Jessica Simpson Turned 31

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Then she gave Eric Johnson her credit card and told him to come back with the one that looks like a mountain of spray cheese. Mama like spray cheese. Too Fab reports:

Jessica Simpson got a pricey gift from her fiance for her 31st birthday — the elusive Birkin bag! Simpson, who turned 31 on Sunday, posted the above photo on her Twitter last night, exclaiming “Eric made my birthday!!! I have never been more surprised in my life! Jackie O who? ;)” The orange bag is definitely a status symbol in the fashion world, where waiting lists once existed for the Hermes line.

Let me preface this by saying this is gonna sound way more sexist than it should, but unlike men who have a constant supply of fresh, young vagina at out disposal because we tend to get better looking with age, maximize our earning power later in life, and some of us can tell a joke, women always have a hard expiration date. And at 31, women, at best, have about three good years left. It doesn’t matter how hot or rich or powerful they are, women hit the wall and no penis or love will ever find them. Jessica Simpson might have six months. She went from the hottest thing on the planet to a fat drunk in five years, so I guess buying yourself a Hermes bag and pretending your unemployed fiance bought it is small victory. Just like when they upsize her fries for free.