The Wedding Will Be Televised

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When you’re getting DP’d by your mom and E!, your wedding will obviously become a must-see primetime event as you walk down the aisle wearing the engagement ring that E! helped pay for (hey, here’s Kris “buying” it! How did the paparazzi find him?!) and speak the scripted words written by Kris Jenner and an E! producer through your ear’s wireless earphones. I really hope you weren’t expecting Kim Kardashian‘s and Kris Humphries‘ wedding to be anything different. E! reports:

It comes with the territory,” sis Kourtney dished when we popped the question, before Khloé chimed in: “I mean, I would assume it would be…we sell our souls to E!, but that’s obviously up to Kim and Kris.” Yeah, if she means momager Kris Jenner, right? Forget the fiancé!…”I have somebody waiting out in the hallway to discuss this very thing!” Mama K (joined by Kourtney and Khloé) confessed at E! headquarters, when we pressed on the day of the engagement announcement. “This is the thing, one of the biggest joys in my life is the fact that we have Khloé and Lamar’s experience on E! They filmed it and every time I watch that, I cry.”

I want to take this time out to formally apologize to all of Kris Jenner‘s kids for calling them “Armenian whores” all this time. Whores don’t get paid, so it’s obvious Kris Jenner has worked tirelessly to ensure her daughters are seen the world over as prostitutes. I honestly believe if Kendall Jenner was raped by a homeless man and a snapped off broom handle, Kris Jenner would visit her in the hospital and discuss the idea of a reshoot because the lighting in the alley was bad.