Here’s another reason why we haven’t fully evolved from being monkeys. Our babies have that fun little way of latching on to any part of mommy, even if it means exposing her hidden parts to that creepy dude with the camera who’s hiding in the bushes. And who can blame baby Coco? She’s really no different than the guy on the Jumbotron who’s showing off his kick ass beer helmet. And all of this will come full circle if on the Jumbotron during the next Super Bowl, we see a monkey wearing a boobie helmet which dispenses beer and he’s holding two, hairy thumbs up. Yeah, I’m a scientist. Don’t question me.
One of these is NSFW. Guess which one.
Update: Here are the high-res versions (NSFW, natch):
The Top Ten Porn Parodies We Want to See
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10. Farscape
The Jim Henson sci-fi series Farscape was never a big ratings smash, and was in fact cancelled mid-cliffhanger at the end of its fourth season, before fan backlash led to the production of the Peacekeeper Wars mini-series, which truncated the events of the proposed fifth season into a four hour series finale event. So it’s not a big, popular series, but it does have a throng of avid fans who’d probably buy anything with the word “Farscape” on it, so a porn parody would probably do very well for any production company willing to take it on. The series tells the story of astronaut John Crichton (Ben Browder), who gets rocketed to the farthest reaches of the universe and accidentally becomes the most wanted man in the galaxy. Along the way he encountered tons of sexy female aliens, meaning there’d be no shortage of fan service possibilities if This Ain’t Farscape XXX ever gets made.
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10. Farscape: Dream Cast: Jennifer White as Aeryn Sun
A full dreamcast would take too long for any entry on our list, so we’re going to focus on one key role per film/television series. The female lead of Farscape is of course Aeryn Sun, originally played by Claudia Black. Our pick? Jennifer White, the beautiful star Twilight: The Porno and Other XXX Parodies, who’s not British but is probably capable of faking it. She can definitely fill Aeryn Sun’s tight leather pants. We mean “shoes.” No, we mean pants.
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9. Twin Peaks
Twin Peaks already had its own porn parodies, which were made back in the early 1990s under the cheeky title Twin Cheeks. But it’s been curiously absent in the modern era, given its name brand recognition and much-vaunted cast of attractive, strongly written female leads. David Lynch’s quirky humor and Angelo Badalamenti’s iconic score would be relatively easy to satire in a modestly budgeted parody. They’d have to stay away from the actual resolution of the “Who Killed Laura Palmer?” mystery though. That’s a one-way ticket to creepy town.
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9. Twin Peaks: Dream Cast: Stoya as Audrey Horne
If we had to pick one key player to dream cast – no easy feat – we’d have to single out Audrey Horne, originally played by Boxing Helena star Sherilyn Fenn. Her striking features would be well matched by Stoya, the strikingly pretty and slightly goth star of Top Guns and Pirates II: Scagnetti’s Revenge, who famously dated rock star Marilyn Manson. At the risk of editorializing… She’s so hot.
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8. The Matrix
There was already a parody of The Matrix, but near as we can figure it was for men who, well… only prefer the company of other men. The Wachowski Brothers’ vinyl infused sci-fi saga about machines who take over the world and keep mankind enslaved in a virtual reality world that looks suspiciously like the one the audience lives in was an unexpected smash hit when it was released in 1999, ushering in a new era of stylish action movies and, eventually, two ridiculously disappointing sequels. We imagine it might be a rather expensive parody, but the promise of bullet-time sex scenes seems too obvious to pass up.
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8. The Matrix: Dream Cast: Kimberly Kane as Trinity
We imagine the Lady in Red will probably be an important fixture in the parody’s “plot,” but Trinity, the resistance fighter originally played by Carrie-Anne Moss, is obviously the female lead. We can’t think of anyone better to take that role over than Kimberly Kane, the porn star, director and Dungeons & Dragons enthusiast who also graced such satires as The Sex Files, Batman XXX: A Porn Parody and the upcoming Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody (in which, in the interest of full disclosure, I have a tiny, non-sex cameo in the background of the Cantina scene).
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7. Indiana Jones
One of the most iconic and successful film franchises ever made has, to the best of our knowledge, not made the transition to modern porn parodies, although Ron Jeremy did star in a cheapie satire called San Fernando Jones back in 2000. Since the parody wouldn’t be able to compete with Steven Spielberg’s expensive, bravura action sequences, we imagine this movie would bring the franchise back to its old low-budget Republic serial roots, with Indiana Jones beating up Nazis in secret labs and getting the girl, come to think of it probably quite a few of them, in the process.
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7. Indiana Jones: Dream Cast: Bobbi Starr as Marion Ravenwood
Every Indiana Jones movie had a new female lead, but of course everyone’s favorite is Marion Ravenwood, the hard-drinking tomboy from Raiders of the Lost Ark played by Karen Allen. She doesn’t quite look the part, but few porn actresses have as magnetic a personality as Bobbi Starr, the star of Star Trek The Next Generation: A XXX Parody and Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody. She’d be our top pick.
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6. Citizen Kane
You sometimes hear Behind the Green Door called “The Citizen Kane of Porn,” but seriously, why hasn’t there been an actual pornographic version of Citizen Kane? If nothing else, it would make the newspapers. Orson Welles’ masterpiece, based on the enigmatic newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst, is often cited as the best movie ever made. The pornographic parody probably wouldn’t be, but at least we’d get some classy black and white photography, and finally find out how Charles Foster Kane auditioned all of those Can Can dancers.
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6. Citizen Kane: Dream Cast: Shawna Leneé as Susan Alexander Kane
Citizen Kane isn’t a very female-centric film, nor is it a particularly sexy film in general, but the leading role is clearly “singer” Susan Alexander, a down-to-earth woman whose company Kane can’t resist, even though it destroys his political career. Who should play the affable young lady? Our vote goes to Shawna Leneé, the plucky star of This Ain’t I Dream of Jeannie XXX and Not Really the Dukes of Hazzard. She can do assemble our jigsaw puzzles anytime.
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5. The Lord of the Rings:
The Lord of the Rings has been parodied several times before, actually, in films like The Whore of the Rings and The Lord of the G-Strings, but once again, that was before the big parody boom. In what would probably be a monumentally expensive satire, Peter Jackson’s magnum opus would require enough money to make Solomon blush, but would certainly be the highest-profile parody release this side of Star Wars. One ring to do them all…
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5. The Lord of the Rings: Dream Cast: Kayden Kross as Éowyn
There aren’t terribly many female characters in The Lord of the Rings, and in fact most the sex scenes would have to be forced into the plot of J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy classic, since prurience was clearly not on the author’s mind. Of all the female characters, Éowyn was the only major one who didn’t need to have her screen time grossly expanded from the original novels. The wonderful Miranda Otto played Éowyn in the Peter Jackson films, but for the parody version we think it’s fun to envision Kayden Kross, the star of Not Airplane XXX and curiously enough Not Pan Am XXX, wielding the broadsword. “I am no man” indeed.
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4. Lost
We’re officially getting into the “Huh?” territory now, with movies and TV shows that we are legitimately shocked not to have seen in porn parody form. Right near the top of the list is Lost, the pop culture phenomenon from J.J. Abrams about a group of castaways on an isolated island that held many unexpected secrets. A large cast of characters, many of them interesting and attractive women, on the beach. How hard is that? 4-8-15-16-23-69!
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4. Lost: Dream Cast: Allie Haze as Kate Austen
The fans eventually turned on the character for repeatedly waffling between Jack and Sawyer, but Kate Austen, played by Evangeline Lilly, was clearly the main female protagonist of the series. We’d cast Allie Haze, the sexy star of Saturday Night Fever XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody and the recently announced heir to the name Emmanuelle, to run along the beach asking where Jack is… before having sex with him.
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3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
There was a parody of Buffy the Vampire Slayer way back in 1997, the year that Joss Whedon’s hit television series premiered, but there was no way that Buffy the Vampire Layer (sigh…) had time to capture what the show eventually became: a fun, dramatic and often very sexy romp through the supernatural through the eyes of an ex-cheerleader who discovers that high school is, literally, Hell. With a large cast of characters, many of them strong, empowered women, a Buffy the Vampire Slayer parody seems like it would write itself. Just adapt the famed musical episode Once More With Feeling, only instead of the cast trying to resist the urge to sing, they have to resist the urge to… Well, you know…
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3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Dream Cast: Lexi Belle as Buffy Summers
While Buffy the Vampire Slayer has such an enormous cast of potential characters for the film – Willow, Tara, Cordelia, Dru and Anya among them – it’s clearly Buffy herself, originally played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who will carry the film. Luckily she’s the easiest casting choice of all. Lexi Belle, the perky star of Dexxxter: Yeah, It’s a Porno and PR0N: The XXX Parody, is the obvious choice to anyone even remotely familiar with her work.
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2. Harry Potter
For the record, we imagine this would be Harry Potter: The College Years we’re talking about. There have been a couple of attempts at a Harry Potter porno parody, including another won geared primarily towards homosexual men, but obviously the most successful film franchise in the world deserves better treatment. Besides, it’s only a matter of time before somebody caves in and tries to make a sequel, book or no book. It might as well be Hustler or Vivid. Erecto Patronum!
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2. Harry Potter: Dream Cast: Scarlett Fay as Hermione Granger
For the coveted role of Hermione, originally played by Emma Watson, there’s… Damn it, we already picked Allie Haze and Lexi Belle. Hmm… In the interest of spreading the love, let’s go with Scarlett Fay, the star of Hustler’s two satirical Lindsay Lohan biographies, and parodies like Scream XXX and This Ain’t Hollywood Squares XXX. Yes, there was a Hollywood Squares parody. Before a Harry Potter parody. This kind of thing is why we’re making a list in the first place.
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1. Battlestar Galactica
Yes, Battlestar Galactica, the critically successful, award-winning science fiction series that reinvented the original television show as a hard-hitting, socially conscious, and extremely sexy modern classic. A big cast, lots of men and women around (a pornographic necessity) and tons of hook-ups that fans wanted to see, yet the series never got around to. Or at least, couldn’t film in exquisite detail. It’s a great series, we’re all huge fans, and while the parody could be a little expensive, it surely can’t be a bigger hassle than all those Star Trek parodies they’ve come up with. Porn, this is your #1 priority. Make it frakking happen.
We’re cheating here and dreamcasting a couple of the female leads. Don’t judge us. We’re just huge Battlestar Galactica fans.
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1. Battlestar Galactica: Dream Cast: Alexis Texas as Number Six
For the sultry blonde Number Six, originally played by Tricia Helfer, who better than Alexis Texas, the beautiful star of Cheers: A XXX Parody, The Office: A XXX Parody and This Ain’t Ghostbuster XXX? Nobody, that’s who. And with the magic of trick photography there's going to be more than one of her. This one's so easy that we're just going to move on now.
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1. Battlestar Galactica: Dream Cast: Andy San Dimas as Kara Thrace
For Kara ‘Starbuck’ Thrace, the gung ho Viper pilot originally played by Katee Sackhoff, we’d need someone who seems like they could handle themselves in a tussle. We think Andy San Dimas, the badass star of American Dad XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody and The Justice League of Pornstar Heroes, looks like she could take on a few toasters.
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1. Battlestar Galactica: Dream Cast: London Keyes as Sharon Valerii
For Sharon ‘Boomer’ Valerii, a Raptor pilot originally played by Grace Park, there’s a lot of competition, but our vote goes to London Keyes, the charismatic star of The Official Survivor Parody (although we’re not sure exactly how “official” that really was) and This Isn’t the Biggest Loser: The XXX Parody. She can boom us any ti… Oh, that’s too easy.
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1. Battlestar Galactica: Dream Cast: Lisa Ann as President Laura Roslin
You’re going to need quite a MiLF to play President Laura Roslin, originally brought to life by Mary McDonnell. Our pick is for Lisa Ann, who has lots of political experience from the Who’s Nailin’ Palin? parodies, to rule the galaxy. Or at least what’s left of it.
We could go on (there are some men in the cast too, obviously), but we’ve said our piece. There’s a lot of impressive pop culture material left out there to satirize. What would you like to see made into a porn parody?
