Risky Tips [With Kate Quigley]: Obsessed With My Ex
I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but she left me for her ex. Now they broke up. Should I try to get her back?
Thanks & keep killing it!
More Risky Tips With Kate Q: My Girlfriend Is Suffocating Me
This answer is too short for a column, but I felt the need to shake some sense into you. Two words: Hell. No.
Don’t be a masochist, Ben! Listen, if it helps at all, everyone has been there. I still hook up from time to time with one crazy ex because the sex is so unbelievably hot that no one can seem to compare. And it’s comfortable, like chicken soup when you have the flu. The problem is, even with him, even as much as I know we could never work as a couple and promise myself I will not catch feelings, inevitably one of us will piss the other off. It leads to drama every time. I’m not saying your case is the same, as it sounds like you want an actual relationship with this girl.
There are so many reasons to not put in the effort to get this girl back, and I realize (because I’ve been the “you” in this scenario) that you probably aren’t going to take my advice, but let me make my case anyway…
Everyone Wants to Date the Drummer
Do you ever see anyone going on and on about a second-string athlete? No. Because the elite men play on the starting lineup, like the quarterback, are the ones everyone want (nobody knows the name of his backup). Similarly, you don’t deserve to be a backup boyfriend. Nobody does. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be with someone who is crazy about me! Someone who thinks I’m an amazing addition to their life. It sounds like you feel that way about her, but you don’t care if she feels it in return?
Once, I dated a guy who I was so obsessed with, he could literally text me at 3 am and I would get up, shower, shave, and drive a half hour to sleep in bed with him. Half the time he’d be asleep when I got there, and I wouldn’t even complain because I knew that he wouldn’t be that upset if he lost me. Do you think that guy respected me or would have been proud to call me his girlfriend? No way! Because I was acting like a pathetic loser, I eventually learned from that experience that if you don’t believe you are worth more, no one else will either.
If she does miss and wants to be with you, then let her be the one to come back! I’m not saying you can’t give her a second chance. Sure, we all have moments where we have feelings for two people at once, and sometimes we choose the wrong one. But in that case, let her decide to chase you for a moment. Let her sweat a little! Let her realize and admit that she chose wrong (even if it’s just to her herself). Why should you do all the chasing when she left you? As a woman, trust me, she will respect you less somewhere on the inside if she knows she can have you any time she wants.
Kate Q is feelin’ risky: Reeling In The Big Fish
The Fear Factor, Hosted By You
This is simple: She hurt you. And if you get her back right away, chances are she’ll do it again.
It sounds to me like she wasn’t over the ex when she started dating you. Doesn’t mean she didn’t like you. I’m sure you’ve dated someone as a band-aid to feel better about an ex you weren’t over. Hell, you may be doing it now. You may even truly like that person. But as long as you are harboring feelings for an ex, you can’t be completely open to a relationship with this new person regardless of how great they are. And neither can she.
Truthfully, in my opinion, getting into a relationship with someone when you’re still pining for an ex is incredibly selfish. I recently tried to date a guy when I wasn’t over a wizard. (Yes, I slept with a wizard. That’s a whole other story.) I liked the new guy, truly! But when I felt that he was moving quickly toward a serious relationship, and I knew I wasn’t over my wizard, I ended it immediately. Did it hurt for him? Probably. Did I want to? Not entirely. But how much worse would it have been if I’d faked my way through a mediocre relationship with the poor guy, waiting for my former flame to be single? Awful.
Now is dating casually OK? Sure! Rebound sex? Go for it! Just be up front and honest! Keep in mind that your ex cannot possibly be over this guy if they just broke up. So if you have any chance in hell of ever being with her, I’d recommend trying to move on for now. Forget about her. And if she realizes you’re the guy, trust me, she’ll show up.
Whatever you do, as tempting as it may seem, do NOT be her stunt cock while she’s thinking about the guy she misses. If she reaches out to you while she’s still in any type of contact with her ex, you tell her that you’re not sure if you’re willing to take her back! And that if you are even to consider the option, it will be later when she’s completely finished engaging with this clown (you don’t have to say “clown,” but we’d love if you did.)
Hope Is a Real Mother F****r
Lastly, I know this much: Hope is a bitch. And rejection breeds obsession. You want her back, clearly (you wrote an unlicensed stranger to write about it for the Internet).
The golden rule of dating is this: The minute you truly don’t care and begin to move on and stop thinking about them, that’s when they always come back. So the best thing you can do for yourself (for a multitude of reasons) is work on finding new ways to have fun without her. Forget about dating her. Focus on you. Hit the gym. Pick up some new work. Enjoy being a hot, successful, single guy! I don’t know if you’re hot or successful, but since you’re smart enough to write to me, obviously you’ve got the smart part down.
Best of luck, champ! You got this!