The Lower Brain: A Condom Conundrum

Photo: Glowimages [Getty Images]

I hate condoms. Hate, hate, hate them. I get that they’re a necessity. But after getting out of a four year relationship and suddenly being able to have sex with whomever I want, I am really finding it difficult to stay hard with a condom on. I’m just not used to it. How do I explain this to women? And at what point can I just stop using condoms with a woman? 

– Floppy and Pissed
Photo: Mukhina1 [Getty Images]
Dear FAP:
You’re going to have to put your dick through re-cocklimatization training. Is this a word? It is now! Look, very few people love using a condom. But as you say, they’re a necessity. I’m not a doctor – if I were, I’d have a bigger house, probably one with a washer/dryer combo. But I have some ideas for you.

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First, jerk off less. Like way less. Like consider just not jerking off at all for the week before you have a date with a lady. I don’t know how often you masturbate now, but I’d take it down by about 75% at least. I’m sure that sounds like a nightmare, but it’s one way to ensure you’re extra excited for potential sexual intercourse with a consenting adult human woman.
Second, I have no other advice on how to make condom usage more fun. You know condoms are necessary to ensure your health and the health of your partner. You know you hate them. But you’d probably hate an unwanted sexually transmitted infection more. And if you’re a decent person, and you probably are, you’d especially hate passing on that sexually transmitted infection to somebody else. There’s no shame in having an STI. There is shame in putting someone else’s health at risk.

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Finally, the time to stop using condoms with a woman is when you both agree to it. The thing is, if you’re not using condoms with one gal, you better use them with every other gal. And quite frankly, it’s a bit shady to have condom-free sex with one lady and not tell every other partner that fact up front. Since that would be an awkward conversation and you obviously don’t want to be a monster, I’d stick to using condoms with everybody unless you decide to be sexually monogamous, at which point you and that lady can discuss next steps. Good luck with your dick and everything else.