Sexpert Advice | When is Too Soon to Text after a First Date?

You survived the first date. Now, it’s time to decide if you want to get to know each other better. You’re not too fond of talking on the phone, so the next option is to text her. If you had a good time on your date and can’t stop thinking about the pretty, witty blonde, redhead, or brunette that you just went out with, then it’s probably worth letting her know you’re interested in a second date. So, when should you text a possible love interest after the first date?

Your wait-time should be linked to how well you think the date went. In other words, “the nicer date – the shorter the wait.”

Knowing when it’s too soon to text after a first date is complex, you don’t want to ask her out too soon, but don’t wait too long either, which is why I’m going to break it all down for you.


Good Date – I Know We Both Had a Good Time!

You think your date was really digging you – you can feel it in your bones. Great!

Send her a quick message, but give her time to get home and settled, before you hit the big S-E-N-D button. Patience is your friend. If you dropped your date off at her home, don’t text her as soon as you get back to your car. That’s Dating Fail 101. In all seriousness, wait 45-minutes to an hour, after the date, to text your lady friend. Once settled, you can text her something like: “Hey, just wanted to let you know I made it home. I had a really great time! Let’s do this again, sometime.” Short and sweet. You don’t want to come across as “creepy,” “clingy,” or “pushy.” Another idea could be to ask her if she made it home ok, then mention something that made you smile or laugh.

If you would like to go on a second date, wait a couple of days, and then ask her. Waiting will build-up the anticipation and excitement for when you do ask her for another date. When exactly should you text her? There isn’t a one fits all answer. Trust your instincts, only you will know when it’s time for date number two.


Bad Date – I Want to Turn Her Down Gently

Should you let the woman know your date sucked? Not necessarily. There’s really no reason to tell someone that you had a really terrible time on your date. However, if you feel that she’s smitten with you, but you aren’t feeling the same, you should probably let her know in the nicest way possible. How? Well, if you don’t feel comfortable calling her – text her. Tell her that it was nice getting to know her, but you feel that you are better as friends. If you phrase it in a non-offensive way, you can ease tension and prevent hurt feelings.

Another plus to being honest is that it leaves little room for debating on why you don’t feel chemistry between you. You’re not judging her, but you are judging the date – and it’s just didn’t work for you. If you have to, explain to her that you don’t want to waste her or your time. So, text after the first date and let her know that you just don’t see a future between you and then, don’t text her anymore – or don’t text her until all the romantic or hurt feelings have passed.

If you are already past that point, and she asks you out on another date, make up a plausible excuse as to why another date is impossible. You could say something like: “I enjoyed getting to know you, but I work a lot, so I don’t have a lot of time for dating. I wish I had more time, but my time is really tight right now, so I don’t want to lead you on or promise you something I can’t deliver.”


I Like Her but I’m Not Sure If She Likes Me?

But…wait…when is it too soon to text, when you are unsure if she even wants to continue contact, let alone go on a second date. First, you need to have a long, hard talk with your “inner self” about how the date went. Also, keep in mind that just because the woman said she had a great time, doesn’t necessarily mean she can’t wait to go on a second date or even talk to you again. Ouch! A woman will most certainly let you know how she feels about the date – verbally or non-verbally through gestures like: eye-rolling, looking bored, picking a fight, or playing with her cellphone. You just need to know how to read the signs!

How can you tell if she honestly had a good time? Well, ask yourself these questions: Did my date laugh and smile, or did she appear fidgety, anxious, or bored? Did she give off the vibe that she’d rather be somewhere else – with someone else? Was she reserved or open? Did she give me a hug or kiss at the end of the date or did she shake my hand or simply walk away? If you did kiss, was there sparks? And, lastly, did she keep referring to how busy she is throughout the date? If you are still unsure after you hear your date’s responses, there’s a good chance, she’s also unsure. In this scenario, send her a brief text after the first date and then give her a breather.

Don’t text her – let her text you – when or if she’s ready to resume contact and/or dating. She may need time to sort through her feelings and figure out what she wants in a man and relationship. If you give her space, you’ll probably still have a chance with her, but if you allow your insecurities to show, you’ll most likely send her running for the hills. Overzealous texting can freak a woman out – if she’s not sure she still wants to see or talk to you. Want to never hear from a woman again? Well, bombard her with texts, calls, and emails and that’s exactly what’s going to happen.


So, to sum it up…

A short and sweet text, after the first date, to let your date know you had a fantastic time? Great! What about a call or text a couple of days later to get to know her better? Perfect! The truth is women love guys, who don’t move too fast. In fact, most women want to be eased into dating situations. So, how can you tell when it’s too soon to text after the first date? Well, if the woman starts backing away or “ghosting” you, you’re either texting her too much and/or too soon, or she’s just not that into you. Either way, it may be time to move on.

About the author
Dr. R.Y. Langham holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D in family psychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples.