What Guys Will Wear Again This Halloween: Trick Or Treat?
Halloween is only a few weeks away, so right now guys everywhere are contemplating what costume to wear. We’ll see some Donald Trumps, Kylo Rens, and the guy with the red sweater from the last presidential debate. But there are a few tried and true selections we see every year, and 2016 will surely be no different. So using our scientific “Trick or Treat” scale, we forecast the good, the bad, and the frighteningly uninspired that you’ll be monster mashing next to on October 31st.
What Guys Will Wear Again This Halloween:
Just A Wig
There’s a belief out there that if you just wear a wig, any kind of wig, you’ve got yourself a Halloween costume. What you’ve got yourself is a lack of creativity for all Trick or Treaters to see.
Our score: Trick. You might as well wear no costume at all.
No Costume At All
If he’s capable of forgetting your anniversary, I guess he’s capable of forgetting it’s Halloween. You’d think all the bags of candy selling at the supermarket and the massive inflatable pumpkins at the big box stores since August should have tipped him off. Carrying the attitude, “F that, if I didn’t dress up for my cousin’s wedding, I’m sure as hell not going to dress up for this stupid holiday,” may be commendable but still…
Our score: Trick. You could have at least put on a wig.
Half a Costume
Han Solo’s white shirt and black vest with a…pair of jeans!? Boy scout shirt and neckerchief with a… pair of jeans!? C’mon guys, keep going! You’ve almost got a whole costume there! Half a Santa could get you on the sex offender’s list in December, especially with a bunch of kids on your lap.
Our score: Trick. Unless you’re a cowboy or Bruce Springsteen, extraneous jeans just cancel out whatever you’re wearing on top.
Heat Wave Costume
Your Freddy Kruger sweater or that full on Cookie Monster outfit is kinda badass, but unless you’re partying in Siberia, it’s gonna get awful hot. If you’re a fountain of sweat on the dance floor, it’s likely you won’t get the chance to be later that night with her in your bedroom.
Our score: Trick. You need a cool costume, in every sense of the word.
Short Guy Costume
This is a conundrum because as a short guy, it’s not your choice of costume, but genetics working against you. Is he a sailor or a child sailor? Dr. Evil or Mini Me?
Our score: Trick. I see 5’3” in front of me and I feel obligated to give him candy like all the other rotten kids in my neighborhood.
Karate Guy Costume
He may be a black belt or any color really. The fact that he’s already got this thing hanging in his closet should lose him points, but dang, this is definitely a costume and we should slightly bow to him accordingly.
Our score: Treat. Especially if he does know karate and can kick our ass for hating.
Like the wig, you can’t just throw on a beard and have a costume. That said, a knit cap, flannel shirt, and jeans are all it takes to make this legit.
Our score: Trick or Treat. Depending on how far you take it.
Just Add Blood Costume
A Metallica t-shirt and blood is not a costume. Yes, I appreciate you decided to go scary for Halloween, but what you wear on a Home Depot run + blood running down from the corners of your mouth is a cop out.\
Our score: Trick. Remember, a half-hearted dab of make-up will once again just drive her away into the arms your better-looking, so-called friend dressed as the lumberjack. Damn you, Brandon!
This will be ubiquitous once more in 2016; mostly animals, usually accompanied with some kind of eared hood. Thankfully, there’s always at least one Ghostbuster around keeping us safe, probably now with a female counterpart to cross streams with. Remember though, there’s also a Heat Wave factor to consider here. And another important costume rule you shouldn’t overlook — eventually you’re going to need to use the restroom and onesies are problematic in that regard.
Our score: Trick or Treat. But if you’ve been drinking lots of light beer, definitely Trick.
Mullet Guy Costume
Yes, Halloween is only one night, but no one wants to be reminded who you’ll find in Florida or Alabama during the rest of the year.
Our score: Trick. Even with the addition of cigarettes rolled up in your t-shirt sleeve and those awful boots, you won’t change our minds on this one.
Thor sounded like a great idea at first, but now how do I also hold my drink and type her digits into my phone? Mighty Mjolnir, I see thee nay!
Our score: Trick. Don’t restrain any hands, gentleman. You don’t know when you’ll need them.
This is a tough one. It’s not an automatic approval like the karate uniform. It all depends on the quality or character of the suit. Additional accessories can make or break, but beware, there will always be lots of other guys in suits, too. You’d better step it up.
Our score: Trick or Treat. Mr. Blonde’s got himself a gun AND a straight razor? Nice touch.
I don’t know if it’s all in the hat, the bling, or the fur coat, but misogyny aside, this is always a great costume choice.
Our score: Treat. Yeah, Pimp’s pimp.
’80s Film Costume
Joel from “Risky Business.” Vince from “The Color of Money.” Maverick from “Top Gun.” A myriad of non-Tom Cruise-related choices. Some can be throwaways, but done right, we realize now that the decade was just a Halloween festival waiting to happen.
Our score: Trick or Treat. And party on, Garth!
Star Wars Hodgepodge Costume
Apparently, people are of the mind that if you just buy random garments with “Star Wars” logos on them, you’re good to go. Even a wookie would tell you, “No, you’re not.” And he’d probably be pretty damn loud about it.
Our score: Trick. The Force is not with you on this one.
The All-Shaming Costume
Usually there will be one costume in the room that can win any contest on any continent putting all of our amateur attempts to shame. For me, last Halloween it was “The Simpsons” Sideshow Mel, complete with boned, beehived hair, worn by one of Mandatory’s own, keeping us proud.
Our score: Treat. Hand over all your candy, boys and girls. We’ve found our winner.