10 Things That Should Be Banned From the Internet

The Internet is a wonderful place. It’s also a vast Petri dish teeming with stupid, angry, desperate life. No wonder it’s linked to depression. Ever since I started using it in 1999 as an 11-year-old masturbator prodigy, I’ve come across infinitudes of things that piss me off. And I’m sure I’m not alone.

1. Bait-and-Switch YouTube Videos
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
I only wanted to see a replay of Mario Götze putting away Argentina in the World Cup. But I got Mr. Attention Whore instead.

2. Pics of Celebrity Do-Gooders Going Viral
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Quick! Get a picture of me with this hobo so people think I’m a good person. Russell Brand is especially fond of photo ops with homeless people. “Now, back to my $15 million mansion in the Hollywood Hills.”

3. Hashtag Activism
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Kony is still at-large; Occupy Wall Street died a long time ago; and Colbert is still killing it. Pumping out 140 characters or less isn’t exactly active. If you’re really serious about your cause, please, hashtag activists, do it like the Tibetans do.

4. Comment Section Spambots
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Or, your roommate’s sister-in-law can get off her tookus and into a cubicle if she knows what’s good for her.

5. IntelliTXT
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Pop-up advertisements under the guise of hyperlinks. Vibrant Media – the company behind IntelliTXT – is a two-bit gang of trolls.

6. Non-Ironic Male Duck Faces
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
No wonder ISIS is unafraid.

7. Mom Blogs
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
The interesting thing about mom blogs is that … wait, there’s nothing interesting about them. They’re all the same. Hitler hated Judaism. Pol Pot hated intellectualism. I hate mom blogs.

8. The Spinning Wheel of Death
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Normally an even-keeled gentleman, I get the urge to light myself on fire when it appears.

9. Follow Requests
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Internet rule No. 1: If you have to ask someone to follow you, no one wants to follow you.

10. Egregiously False Advertising
annoying internet trends, things that should be banned from the internet
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on my penis.