Despite whiny objections from The Human Rights Foundation and white bloggers with non-prescription glasses who are still on their parents’ insurance, Nicki Minaj headlined a Christmas festival in Angola on Saturday night put on by Unitel, a telecommunications company controlled by Angola’s corrupt as fuck President José Eduardo dos Santos. He controls it, because well, he’s a dictator. That’s their thing. Here’s where it got tricky though: dos Santos offered Minaj $2M and those other people didn’t. Let’s see if we can solve this mystery.
If you want to get all technical about it, sure, President José Eduardo dos Santos seized power in 1979 through rigged elections and has since sucked the country and everything in it dry to amass an untold fortune, but it was a Christmas festival, so God wants you to miss Nicki Minaj with that bullshit so she can go cash her check.
Every tongue that rises up against me in judgement shall be condemned.
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) December 16, 2015
As you can clearly see, that $2M was money well spent. I don’t think any of those are Angola’s blood diamonds though.
Oh, wow. The 8th richest woman in the world?! She must be super important, I bet.
She is, of course, Isabel dos Santos, the President’s 45-year old daughter. She’s worth $3B. I wonder how that happened? Must be a great businesswoman. LOL I’m just pulling your leg! Totally had you there! President dos Santos just uses the country as his ATM and transfers shit in Isabel’s name in case he’s overthrown or gets assassinated. Man, they gotta good thing going over there in Angola. Pretty nice setup. I mean, the rest of the country lives on $2 a day, but I guess one of them should have came up with “Anaconda” first. Probably a lot easier than working a million days in a row. On the bright side, that’s like 60 years of vacation time. I’d save that until the end if it was me.
