Ciara Won’t Bang Russell Wilson Until His New Deal Is Signed

If you want to know how religion works, Seattle Seahawks quarterback and “devout Christian”, Russell Wilson divorced his wife in 2014 (the last year of his rookie deal lol) after two years of marriage because a gay couple broke in their house and ruined their sanctity. Ciara, a singer with a song called “Body Party“, has dated 50 Cent, Bow Wow, and has a kid out of wedlock with Future. Apparently, Wilson prayed for a godly woman, and while looking at Ciara in a mirror (no joke), God spoke unto Wilson, “I give you Ciara. It’s just a coincidence that she’s hot and the chick you said you wanted all along.” (no joke either). Anyway, because God hooked them up, they said they are practicing abstinence because God hates it when you fuck when he’s not there. Anyway, they’re still not banging until Wilson signs his new deal. This is how I’m reading this.

Ciara is holding on to her goodies. During an appearance on Access Hollywood Live Thursday, the singer opened up about her decision to practice celibacy with Seattle Seahawks quarterback boyfriend Russell Wilson. “It’s until the deal is sealed. Absolutely!” the “I Bet” singer said when asked if the pair plan to hold off on sex until marriage.

Apparently it’s moral and virtuous to wait to have sex with somebody until after they can legally take half of everything you own. Also, Wilson said God instructed him to “lead her”. Lead here where, a PG-13 movie? Look, your husband might me the most loyal and trustworthy dude on the planet, but if he licks pussy like a stamp and blows before you take your bra off, there’s a good chance you’ll be checking OK Cupid with one eye while he’s blessing dinner.  I think more women need to take Bristol Palin’s lead on this. I mean, with knowing what birth control looks like first.