Ariana Grande Does Kaballah Now Because God Hates Her Gay Brother

I was unaware that Adriana Grande was Catholic, but that’s good, because she’s not anymore since her brother is gay and Christians hate gays. Apparently esoteric Jewish mystics are down with the rainbow or something I honestly don’t know.

Ariana Grande has revealed that she turned to the Kabbalah faith after her homosexual brother was rejected by the Catholic Church. The 21-year-old singer disagreed with the Christian faith’s teachings about elder sibling Frankie’s sexuality but they both found a ‘connection’ with the offshoot of Judaism that has many a celebrity follower. She explained: ‘When my brother was told that God didn’t love him I was like, “OK, that’s not cool.” They were building a Kabbalah centre in Florida so we both checked it out and really had a connection with it.’… ‘Since then, my life has unfolded in a really beautiful way, and I think that it has a lot to do with the tools I’ve learned through Kabbalah, I really do.’

People keep telling me God doesn’t hate anyone, just most of his people do, but God will make you suffer eternally if you don’t worship him. It’s really confusing. But if God was a real thing, I don’t think he’d hate Ariana’s brother because he was gay, he’d hate him because he’s an asshole. And not in the way that gays like, but the figurative kind. And I really don’t know what Kabbalah is really, all I know is that you get a red string do yoga maybe? Jewish girls love yoga, so I’m just guessing.