5 Best Tony Abbott Burns By Russell Brand
When you have a leader of a country as prone to face-palm-inspiring gaffes as much as Tony ‘onion-munching-holocaust-referencing-prince-knighting’ Abbott, it’s not particularly hard to drop a burn that needs, if not immediate medical attention, then at least a bit of running cold water.
One such master of flame, however, is UK actor/comedian/activist Russell Brand, who, despite not being, you know, Australian, has managed to send some a-grade scorchers across the hemisphere, taking aim at everything from our supreme leader’s stance on gay marriage to his ill-thought through comments surrounding immigration. Get some aloe vera on that shit, Tones.
To celebrate the imminent arrival of Brand’s politically charged brand (lol) of stand-up, set to bring his Trew World Order tour around our big brown country this October, we’ve put together six of his best Abbott zingers, for your schadenfreude pleasure.
1. Lunatic Tony
Let’s start off fairly gentle, shall we? In an interview promoting his recent book Revolution with Channel 9’s Today show, Russdogs cut straight to the point calling Tony Abbott “one of the worst ones” and an “absolute raving lunatic”. Sure, not the most erudite, cutting-edge insult you’ve ever hard but it definitely does sum up one particular element of the Tonemaster General.
Burn rating: Accidentally getting some wasabi on your tuna sushi roll.
2. Mr. and Mr. Russell and Tony Brand-Abbott!
Despite an overwhelming majority of Australians in favour of allowing same-sex marriage, plus the whole thing where his freakin’ sister is in a long-term gay relationship, Abbott has stood by his opposition to gay marriage, cause that’s just the kinda guy he is. Taking the piss out of his increasingly antiquated stance, Rusty recently dropped that his plans when visiting Australia include “I might try and gay marry [Tony] when I get there.” WOULD attend that wedding.
Burn rating: Grabbing the bowl out of the microwave without a tea towel.
3. Guilt-free since ’63!
Ok so he was born in 1957 but just go with it… When old mate Tones responded to a question on radio about whether he felt any guilt in regards to the reported sexual abuse and continued abhorrent living conditions of children in offshore detention facilities with “none whatsoever”, Brand kicked things up a notch in his political web series The Trews, devoting an entire video to shredding the comments of our robotic, heartless leader.
“Like, that’s the stuff that’s used in evil cartoons like ‘The children are being taken away to donkey island and turned into monsters’, oh is that Pinnochio? No, that’s Australia!”, Russ starts before ramming Abbott’s statements with “Did you feel any sadness when watching the film Bambi? ‘No NONE!’. Surely if anyone should be ashamed of themselves it’s Tony Abbott!”.
Burn rating: The end of Terminator 2 where Arny is lowered into a giant vat of molten steel.
4. “Terrorism, that’s why!”
In another lengthy spiel that took aim at our little ol’ country, Brand confronted the political and media responses to last years Sydney Siege, which was labelled by Abbott as an “act of terrorism”. This phrasing didn’t sit well with a lot of people, Brand included, who took a swipe at our PM for not calling it out for what it truly was.
“By us labelling him a terrorist as opposed to a dangerous mentally ill – not that all mentally ill people are dangerous, I’m mentally ill – and by allowing him to set the agenda of ‘I’m doing this on behalf of Islam’, it gives a certain grandeur to nihilistic and violent actions but what’s more interesting that the actions of a mentally ill person is the response of the political establishment.”
Burn rating: The Merciless Peppers of Quetzlzacatenango! Grown deep in the jungle primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.
5. Well that’s one way to call him a wanker.
I think I’ll just let this one stand on it’s own: “Tony Abbot has never had an orgasm that didn’t end up on his belly. Them kids are made from artificial insemination”. If you ever wanted to imagine the 28th Prime Minister of Australia vigorously masturbating, then Russell Brand has you covered. Apparently you “can’t fuck properly if you’re a bigot”, so uhh, yeah I guess you’re kinda fucked there Tone? And not in the good way.
Burn rating: The fires of a thousand suns simultaneously exploding.