It’s come to this: Syfy and Man of Steel screenwriter David S. Goyer are developing a Superman prequel series called “Krypton,” in which the main character will be Superman’s grandfather.
Unfortunately, “Gotham” paved the way for this nonsense because it’s been one of Fox’s few successful shows this fall. Technically, “Gotham” is a Batman prequel that focuses on Detective James Gordon, a very young Bruce Wayne and an endless parade of Batman’s greatest villains who are jammed into every episode whether it works or not. Sure, Robin Lord Taylor has been a lot of fun as The Penguin, but that doesn’t make up for the rest of it.
“Krypton” is part of Warner Bros. and DC Entertainment’s latest TV development season, which includes a series order for “Supergirl” at CBS and a “Teen Titans” pilot at TNT. But if “Krypton” gets away with a minimal connection to DC’s greatest superhero then there’s really nothing that the company won’t try with its iconic creations.
This parody list is more of a cautionary tale than an example of DC’s upcoming development slate. None of these shows are actually happening. But never put it past Hollywood to come up with something profoundly stupid for our favorite superheroes..
For proof, remember the “Wonder Woman” pilot by David E. Kelley… But you should probably avoid that one to maintain your sanity.
The 10 Worst Possible DC Superhero Shows
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B'wana Beast's America
Move over, Anthony Bourdain. There’s a new beast in town!
Truly one of DC’s weirdest creations, Mike Maxwell aka B'wana Beast can telepathically talk to animals... and he can also merge multiple animals into a single creature that he can control.
Naturally, The Discovery Channel would swoop up B’wana Beast as the host of its new travel show. Because this is the network that just did the “Eaten Alive” TV special, nothing is beneath It.
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Pennyworth: Alfred Begins
Against all reason, “Gotham” is a big hit despite horrendously bad writing and acting. Apparently, even a loose connection to Batman can bring in TV viewers. Although that trick didn’t work for “Birds of Prey.”
If Fox wanted to really go deeper into the Batman waters, how about a show that doesn’t even deal with Batman at all? In “Pennyworth,” the loyal Wayne family butler, Alfred Pennyworth is just a young lad at boarding school somewhere in England. Someday, he’ll go on to become the Dark Knight’s advisor and father figure. But first, can Alfred figure out how to talk to girls and learn how to become a gentleman butler?
ONLY ON FOX!!!
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Barbara Gordon: The Librarian
Keeping with the Bat-family theme, let’s check in with Barbara Gordon: the once and future Batgirl. If Barbara Gordon had her own Batgirl Begins series or even a show about her exploits as Oracle, then it could actually be really good material for TV.
But that’s far too cool for a broadcast TV network! So, “Barbara Gordon: The Librarian” focuses only on a young Barbara when she is working in a college library while hitting the books and randomly bumping into future Gotham villains.
Will Killer Moth return his overdue book? Will Cluemaster ever get a clue? Only Barbara the Librarian knows!
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Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew
It doesn’t require much effort to make Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew look bad. Usually, the premise alone will take care of that.
Basically, the Zoo Crew and Captain Carrot are not only anthropomorphic animals from a parallel Earth, they’re also superheroes. Think Howard the Duck with superpowers except without the wit and dark humor of the original Howard the Duck comics.
In other words, it’s ratings gold!
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Teen Tornado
Imagine if DC’s Red Tornado was a show on The CW. It really isn’t that hard, is it?
Created by supervillain T. O. Morrow, the android Red Tornado (as portrayed by some ridiculously overdeveloped twenty four year old who is trying to pass as a teenager) must adapt to life among the humans by going to high school and trying to date girls.
I used the artwork from Marvel’s Machine Teen miniseries because it was practically a CW show years before there was a CW!
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Wonder Twins
Comic fans of a certain age may remember Zan and Jayna (with their shitty monkey, Gleek) as the stupidest characters in the long running “Super Friends” cartoon series. Younger fans may recall the so-called Wonder Twins from a series of amusing Cartoon Network shorts that played up their useless powers and their clueless approach to superheroics.
Now picture a “Wonder Twins” series without any self awareness or a real sense of humor about what the show is or what the characters are about. “Wonder Twin powers... activate!” would be played as a dramatic moment. Gleek would be animated by crappy CGI!
But they’re teenage superheroes, and that’s good enough for The CW.
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Vibe
As a superhero, Vibe was just about as terrible as you can imagine. In the ‘80s, Vibe was a breakdancing former gang member who joined the reject Justice League (aka Justice League Detroit). Vibe also had the power to create sonic vibrations...
After a short stint as a hero, Vibe was promptly murdered by androids and nearly forgotten by everyone.
But in the era of the New 52, Vibe is back and his alter ego, Cisco Ramon is one of the supporting characters on “The Flash.” As Cisco, Carlos Valdes is incredibly annoying. If The CW were to give Cisco/Vibe his own TV series, the sheer level of suck would trigger a black hole event and destroy us all.
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Fate
Behold, the ‘90s personified!
In 1994, Doctor Fate was given an EXTREME! Rob Liefeld style makeover when the man known as Jared Stevens became the new Fate. The famous Golden helmet of Doctor Fate became a dagger in Jared’s hands.
Basically, anything interesting about Doctor Fate was removed from this incarnation of Fate. Jared died an ugly death shortly after Fate was cancelled. But Fate is so terrible that it’s inevitable that some TV executive will come across those comics and decide that this is the only way to bring Doctor Fate to television.
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Legion of Substitute Heroes
Legion of Super-Heroes is one of DC’s greatest concepts that hasn’t really broken out with the general public. There was a “Legion of Super-Heroes” animated series and a few guest appearances in “Smallville,” “Justice League Unlimited” and “Superman: The Animated Series.” But that’s not much of a media footprint.
Guardians of the Galaxy is hot right now, and the only spaced-based characters that DC has who can emulate the underdog outcast status of the Guardians are the Legion of Substitute Heroes. These are heroes who were almost never quite good enough for the actual Legion.
Night Girl and Polar Boy eventually made the real team, but the bulk of the Subs were made up of losers like Chlorophyll Kid, Infectious Lass, Stone Boy and Antennae Lad. Even James Gunn couldn’t get these characters into shape.
Not that it would ever stop Warner Bros. from exploiting a DC character.
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The Adventures of Superbaby
There may be TV executives who think that the problem with “Smallville” was that it wasn’t stretched out long enough. Tom Welling was pushing 33 by the time his Clark Kent finally became Superman! Even then, “Smallville” had gone far beyond the time that Superman should have emerged?
We have to face one inescapable fact: we may never get another live action TV series about Batman and Superman as long as the movie franchises exist. The best we can hope for are these damn prequel series.
“The Adventures of Superbaby” takes the Superman prequel to it’s stupidest destination yet, by giving us a superpowered baby version of Clark Kent. It’s actually been done before in the comics and in one of the Superman animated series (as seen in the picture).
Pretty horrifying, isn’t it? And yet, it’s just stupid enough that someone might actually make it someday.
