Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @daemonic3 (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-9-18
I think my lizard may have murdered someone pic.twitter.com/p6V7O6Ay2Q
— izzy (@danisnobunk) March 5, 2018
I know you think I’m just a normal quiet dude. But wait: I have a small tattoo on my shoulder
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) March 2, 2018
say it ain’t so,
i will not go
turn the lights off,
carry me home pic.twitter.com/yIeTBvrwQF
— maeve (@bbiss666) March 5, 2018
GOD: Make humans super super awake when it’s time to go to bed, and super super tired when it’s time to wake up.
GOD’S ASSISTANT: Did you… Did you mean that the other way around?
GOD: [Embarassed, but afraid to show weakness] Just fricken do it, Jeff.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 5, 2018
We’re in The Bad Place pic.twitter.com/HHK4uDRoVu
— Brodie Lancaster (@brodielancaster) March 7, 2018
My daughter just tried pizza for the first time. pic.twitter.com/yiPNJgUBJg
— Jody Avirgan (@jodyavirgan) March 3, 2018
OMG THE SIMPSONS REALLY DID PREDICT EVERYTHING. THIS *IS* LOUSY SMARCH WEATHER!!!!!!!
— Margaret Lyons (@margeincharge) March 2, 2018
Here’s a line graph about bowling pic.twitter.com/eULBcvIZlD
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) March 9, 2018
LAWYER: is the item your mom brought home here in the court room?
ME: yes [slowly points at first exhibit]
LAWYER: let the record show the plaintiff pointed at exhibit A… UNFROSTED POP-TARTS
[the entire court room gasps]
[2 jury members faint]
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) March 7, 2018
Well damn Jackie, I can’t control the weather pic.twitter.com/2hx61m9ZTP
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) March 2, 2018
[skydiving on 1st date]
ME: [shouting] Hey, I guess we’re really “falling” for each other lol
HER: [continues falling and never opens chute]
— Terry F (@daemonic3) March 5, 2018
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) March 8, 2018
Are you there, God? It’s mi, the third note from The Sound of Music
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 6, 2018
take a seat kids. it’s time for a rock and roll history lesson. pic.twitter.com/vV3HzPoipF
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 6, 2018
this past year i’ve had dumbbells delivered to my house everyday, ordering heavier and heavier one’s every couple weeks. i’ve never used any of the weights, but have had the pleasure of watching this one UPS guy get absolutely jacked
— cole hersch (@ColesTwitt3r) March 6, 2018
me: I got a tattoo to remember my father
her: aww that’s sweet. can I see?
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) March 8, 2018
This sign has broken me. I’m ready to just throw off the yoke of society and live ferally now. pic.twitter.com/0u0wK0GC1D
— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) March 4, 2018
*sees a girl wearing a thrasher hoodie*
i bet she doesn’t even skate bro
*sees a guy wearing camo*
thank u so much for ur service soldier
— hillary clinton: i roll with hotsauce, i got flava (@sexualjumanji) March 9, 2017
Career goals pic.twitter.com/Ymij3Lv16M
— horse bonologist @ hisoka on main (@lustlow) March 7, 2018
omg a girl proposed to a guy in the bathroom stall today pic.twitter.com/3oXB6Vc3qA
— Evan (@NotEvansPosts) March 5, 2018