45 Jokes About 45 Countries
City Hall in Antwerp; Photo: Photography taken by Mario Gutiérrez.(Getty Images)
Trigger warning. Just kidding, these jokes are relatively mild. As mild as nationality jokes go, at least. You might find that many countries were left out, because well, there’s nothing funny about Tajikistan. So take a humor tour through some of our favorite jokes regarding countries and culture abroad.
Jokes About Countries
What’s the most famous coffee in Afghanistan? Osama bin Latte.
man having fresh orange juice, reading the paper; Photo: Kathrin Ziegler(Getty Images)
How does an Argentine commit suicide? By jumping off his ego.
A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”
How do you get a Canadian to apologize? Step on their foot.
After the Chilean mining incident, a miner was asked what he did while he was underground. He said, “Nothing. Just Chilean.”
Everything is made in China…except for baby girls.
What’s the Cuban national anthem? Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
How many Danes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A lot, because Danish people are weak and arthritic because their socialist medical system is only second in the world in patient care.
What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman? “Come behind the pyramid, and I’ll make you a mummy.”
An introverted Finn looks at his shoes when talking to you; an extroverted Finn looks at your shoes.
Why wouldn’t the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she only has one arm raised.
What is the German word for constipation? Farfrompoopin.
What did Poseidon say to the sea monster? What’s Kraken?
What part of Iceland are you from? Hallormsstadaskogur? Oh cool.
Traditional indian wedding ceremony; Photo: ImagesBazaar(Getty Images)
I watched a Hindu version of “How I Met Your Mother.” There’s just one episode about the wedding.
What’s the national sport of Indonesia? Body surfing.
What is Iraq’s national bird? Duck.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar. A fly lands in the Englishman’s pint. The Englishman is incensed, and pushes his beer away and orders another. A fly lands in the Scotsman’s pint. The Scotsman looks at the fly shrugs, and just drinks the fly down. A fly lands in the Irishman’s pint. The Irishman is furious. He picks out the fly, and violently shakes the fly over his pint glass while screaming, “Spit it out, you wee bastard!”
What do you call someone from Israel that has to sneeze? A Jew.
Mafia Octopus; Photo: Mlenny (Getty Images)
How come Italians don’t like Jehovah’s Witnesses? They don’t like any witnesses.
What do you call a rude Jamaican? Caribbean Jerk.
A Japanese man once tried to fake his own death. His family didn’t bereave him.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars.
Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.
Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France. Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
What did the Kiwi say to the Rabbi? Hee Broo.
I asked my friend in North Korea how he was. He said he can’t complain.
There was a young man from Peru
Who fell asleep in a canoe.
He dreamt that Venus
Was stroking his penis
And woke with a handful of goo.
Did you hear about the Pole who thought his wife was trying to kill him? On her dressing table, he found a bottle of “Polish Remover.”
What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome? Yukanol Fukov.
What did Bill Clinton say when asked about relations with Rwanda? “I swear I never met her!”
What do you call two Samoans on a roof? Solé power.
What happens when you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned.
Highland bagpiper in kilt; Photo: British Modern Photography(Getty Images)
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you stop a Serbian tank? You trip the soldier who is pushing it.
What do you call a Korean woman with one leg? Irene.
At a school dance, a guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gave her a little squeeze and said, “In America, we call this a hug.” She replied, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug, too.” A little later, he gave her a peck on the cheek and said, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss, too.” At the end of the night, he proceeds to have sex with her on the campus lawn and said, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.” She said, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich, too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
An American walks into a Swiss bank with a giant, heavy sack in his hands. He goes to the teller, brings his face close to the glass and whispers, “I have $2 million with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account.” The Swiss bank teller replies, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”
I just got back from holiday in Bangkok where I came very close to sleeping with a ladyboy. She looked like a woman, she walked like a woman, she talked like a woman, and she even kissed like a woman. It was only when she drove me back to her place and reverse-parked her car on the first attempt that I thought, “Hang on…”
A Ukrainian immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters: C Z W I C N O S T A C Z. “Can you read this?” the clerk asks. “Read it?” the Ukrainian replies, “I know the guy.”
What’s the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the Cup longer.
Only in America will a fat person order a Double Big Mac, large fries and a Diet Coke.
What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post? A Welsh leisure center.
The Vatican announced that scientists who carry out embryonic stem cell research will be excommunicated. The Pope explained, “God’s law forbids the destruction of an embryo before we have a chance to molest it.”
How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE!
Hopefully, these jokes can help you make fun of the people you want to in the good American spirit. You know that humor works the same everywhere so these jokes will kill. You… probably.