Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“this mans been stabbed. Call 911!”
Me: [types into group chat] lol someone just got stabbed here
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) April 8, 2016
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million
— Phil Stamato (@pstamato) April 5, 2016
Had a random number text me. I can’t cut his hair but I really needed to tell him about my pancake. pic.twitter.com/DljGnOds4Y
— Mariel Salcedo (@MarielSalcedo) April 9, 2016
When you’re alone all the time: pic.twitter.com/5ifBBSxkv3
— kelsey darragh (@kelseydarragh) April 2, 2016
Oh no, someone forgot to turn the cool sign on pic.twitter.com/UJQE0zMKea
— yuck boy (@zzap) April 5, 2016
One day my son will ask me about the Lip Sync Battle craze and The Iraq War and it’ll be easier to explain Iraq.
— Burny Slanderz (@MrAlexisPereira) April 9, 2016
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
— GlennyRodge (@GlennyRodge) April 8, 2016
the baby is finally sleeping. what a precious little angel. okay time to go jack off in the basement
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) April 10, 2016
Life is like a Holocaust
Here in Trump Burg!
Racist walls and gender wage
It’s a Trump blur! pic.twitter.com/dOisvuHNLK
— Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) April 10, 2016
Still keeping the dream alive! pic.twitter.com/eufSuNtgps
— Jay Duplass (@jayduplass) April 2, 2016
casual sex is just like regular sex except i’m not wearing a tuxedo
— MILTRON (@themiltron) April 9, 2016
Current Mood: Taylor Swift Bodyguard pic.twitter.com/6EA2BXShcY
— Lon Harris (@Lons) April 3, 2016
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
— rats in paradise (@NicCageMatch) April 5, 2016
check out this stellar review for my gynecologist pic.twitter.com/6bYK82xQkA
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 8, 2016
I will flat out not accept a food going bad in my fridge, I paid 79 cents for that boring ass vegetable 200 months ago & will die eating it
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 7, 2016
A good prank is a bunch of fake snakes and one real snake.
— guterman (@danguterman) April 1, 2016
these are my two favourite pens pic.twitter.com/lrIy9WMvkR
— k e i t h (@KeetPotato) April 1, 2016
— Amanda Morones (@MandaOhDang) April 9, 2016
*air drums the drum break from in the air tonight* anyway i’ll have u on the weekends and u’ll be with ur mom during the week
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 10, 2016
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) April 9, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.