Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
me: *makes it as a wise man*
guy from nickelback: holy shit
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 13, 2016
Home decor assumes you regularly forget to live, laugh and love.
— Kaaaate (@ladybroseph) April 21, 2015
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 17, 2015
— Justin Halpern (@justin_halpern) March 21, 2016
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) March 10, 2016
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
— Tulip (@imdaintyaf) October 20, 2015
Finally, some good news pic.twitter.com/ov1AV1iXUC
— Nessa (@nessadinneen) March 10, 2016
Day 1: she ate me again
Day 2: she ate me again
Day 3: she ate me again
Day 4: she ate me again
Day 5: she ate me again
— Carly J Garber (@CarlyJGarber) March 16, 2016
Lex Luthor is the sorta dude who’d host a free Alanis Morrisette concert but be like “only your new stuff, nothing from Jagged Little Pill”
— Max Landis (@Uptomyknees) March 12, 2016
Sorry I fed your baby trash, I thought it was a raccoon
— viney (@vineyille) March 8, 2016
I wonder if anyone got the giggles inside that Trojan Horse.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) March 11, 2016
donald trump[reading bible for the 1st time]: this judas guy. good guy. sold jesus for 30 sheckels? smart investment. id have done it for 20
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) January 31, 2016
Imagine being a super hot girl and not knowing about instagram.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) March 7, 2016
Who the hell is tommy giraffe pic.twitter.com/EZ7G4VkWn2
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 5, 2016
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 21, 2016
PILOT: (intercom) sorry for the delay but we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: (intercom) it is now 67:91 oclock guys lol
— Beesty Momax (@rockymomax) March 15, 2016
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
— Steve Dutzy (@SteveDutzy) December 24, 2014
Buy a lawn mower and be alone forever. pic.twitter.com/7gqoFm4HXP
— meatshirt (@prettysadmostly) July 27, 2014
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.