Another year, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Dads: what times your flight? Sons: 4pm Dads: id get there at 8am
— Mike Glazer (@GlazerBooHooHoo) December 24, 2015
OMFG pic.twitter.com/kRb7iKDrLD
— Chess Rockwell (@grabmybutstick) December 24, 2015
[at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 19, 2015
[walks into room, sniffs the air] someone has been playing with my fucking Legos
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 22, 2015
in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving
— robesman (@robesman) December 20, 2015
[INT MOVIE THEATER] *Places 5 gold bars on counter* One small popcorn please.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 20, 2015
Episode VII was great, but did anyone else think the crawl didn’t exactly track with what happened pic.twitter.com/JfILKHg1Ds
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 21, 2015
Just hit a joint for the first time since high school and noticed fingernails are tiny hand helmets
— kelsey darragh (@kelseydarragh) December 25, 2015
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person? pic.twitter.com/PDo8e5MPUB
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) July 7, 2015
My dad got his CT scan results back today. Everything is fine, turns out he doesn’t have dementia, he’s just an asshole.
— Man (@henryjonesson) September 4, 2015
5-year-old: I broke my Nerf gun Me: I can fix it [2 hours later] 5: Did you fix it? Me: I have 6 parts left over, and now it shoots fire
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 25, 2015
Room doesn’t sound that great to me pic.twitter.com/ZXUd1Se1Ta
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) October 16, 2015
For the last time YES, I do believe how much your ugly ass kid has grown! That’s what kids do!
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 22, 2015
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses] HER: So what kind of car do you drive? ME: A bookmobile.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) December 22, 2015
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…” WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) May 21, 2015
do you ever hear a song on your car radio and think “I better not die listening to this song”?
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) December 10, 2015
Love Actually Sequels: Love Ac2ually Love Actual3 Love ActualIV
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) December 25, 2015
When you wear all the clothes grandma got you for Christmas at once. pic.twitter.com/JiCp2sttzn
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) December 22, 2015
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are pic.twitter.com/pN7JHLuQ7O
— ghost mom (@radtoria) December 1, 2015
He’s making a list And checking it twice Then checking it 91 times He’s crippled by OCD
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) December 23, 2015
Want more? Check out our last batch of hilarious tweets.
