Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
never in a million years would I ask a tambourine man to play a song for me
– keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) March 22, 2015
if rick is a cop then why doesnt he just arrest the zombies. seems kind of obvious to me, gang
– ev rat (@rad_milk) March 23, 2015
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here? pic.twitter.com/3pB2uIPfGF
– Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 8, 2015
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works? Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
– Abby with no E (@abbycohenwl) March 22, 2015
gave up drinking coffee cause of anxiety & i’m really excited to see how many more things i enjoy that i will have to give up before i die
– pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) March 21, 2015
Every one of Johnny Depp’s scarves is from a magician he’s killed.
– Mike Primavera (@primawesome) March 28, 2015
I hope adding water to the hand soap bottle has helped you overcome your financial hardships.
– Alex J. Mann (@alexjmann) March 27, 2015
Does a downward spiral count as spin class
– Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) March 29, 2015
She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
– Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) March 30, 2015
[baseball] [catcher signs the fake crying thing with his hands] PITCHER: *mouthing* what pitch CATCHER: *mouthing* we never hang out anymore
– Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 27, 2015
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
– Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) March 10, 2014
Boss: Will you be ok if I leave for a few m- [my desk is already on fire]
– moody monday (@mdob11) March 25, 2015
*Time travel. Stop Hitler from gaining power. Return to alternate future where ‘Hitler’ is a normal last name* “So this is gonna be weird.”
– Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) March 27, 2015
U don’t even need a dog to go to the dog park. U can just go & play w/ the dogs and if someone asks which one’s yours u can say “haha, yeah”
– Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 27, 2015
No, I said your body looks scurvatious. You definitely have scurvy.
– Ceej (@ceejoyner) March 30, 2015
Probably the saddest of all sea mammals is the Sylvia Plathypus.
– Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 26, 2015
*cops wrestle clown to the ground* Cops: DON’T TRY ANY FUNNY STUFF!!! Clown: *already making balloon animals* Cops: *open fire*
– Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) February 27, 2015
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
– Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) March 25, 2015
I’m just fine living in a world where we don’t look to killer whales or Bill Cosby for entertainment.
– J. Elvis Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) March 27, 2015
People who don’t eat the pizza crust: 1. Why do you do that 2. Can I have it
– Mara Wilson (@MaraWritesStuff) March 25, 2015
More funny tweets can be found right here.