With the news coming through today that some incredibly wise architects are planning a new skyscraper in Melbourne modelled after our omnipotent overlord Beyonce, we thought we’d come up with 8 other buildings Australia could build to honour various other pop stars.
1. Tay Tower
Location: Sydney, NSW.
I don’t know if you guys know this, but Taylor Swift has a LOT of friends. Scientists have estimated that approximately 21% of the Earth’s population are, in fact, besties with Tay Tay. With her super-squad ever-increasing, what better place to host all those obscenely decadent parties with all her celebrity/supermodel friends then the Tay Tower, modelled after Tony Stark’s Avengers Tower. It can go in Sydney. We’ll knock down the Centre Point tower for her after she writes an open letter to Tony Abbott.
She’s pretty much Captain Taymerica already so…
2. Madge’s Continuing Care Community
Location: Coffs Harbour, NSW.
If anyone know’s how to kick on into your later years whilst still maintaining one HELL of a rig and an enviable, prolific career that simply refuses to quit, it’s reigning Grand Empress of Pop, Madonna. Following the many teachings and morals of the famous eighty-six-year-old (?), Madge’s Continuing Care Community in beautiful and… uhh… beautiful Coffs Harbour, offers such ways to spend your last precious years on this planet as Aquatic Twerk-ercise, crafternoons fashioning shiny new sets of rapper grills, and vogue therapy to shape up those nanna arms!
“Bitch I’m Agnes! (Ft. Milton)”
3. Thicke Manor
Location: Toorak, Melbourne, VIC.
When you think Robin Thicke, you, firstly, feel a sudden and uncontrollable pang of nausea followed by an urge to kick the nearest wall, but you also think sexy fun parties with bewbs and definitely consensual fondling and Pharrell’s there for some reason! Coming soon to Melbourne’s exclusive rich white people suburb of Toorak, Thicke Manor. It’s like the Playboy Manor but somehow filthier!
“Of course the cocktails are supposed to taste like that, shhhhh”
4. The Biebmusement Park Fun Time Factory Bonanza
Oh wow, look at this place, this looks like a safe fun place to take the kids! Your tween girls are going to love this shiny, bubblegum coloured amusement park! Look at all the kid-friendly rides and themes of young love and absolutely no swearing, this is gonna be great. Oh hang on, is that urine in the water slide? Are those “clowns” just whacked-out prostitutes with extra make-up on? What’s this ride where you have to drink three bottles of champagne and drive a Lamborghini into obstacles? These brownies taste funny. Is that Usher? ALRIGHT KIDS WE’RE GETTING OUT OF THIS CESSPOOL RIGHT NOW!
“Where Petulance Comes To Life!”
5. Cee-Lo Greenhouse
Location: Somewhere lush??
Yeah, this one is just a pun.
“Hey MTV, I’m Cee Lo, welcome to my crib.”
6. The BBHMM Credit Union
Location: Bitch Better Have My Melbourne, VIC.
Need a loan quicker then you can say “BRRAP BRRAP BRRAP”? Then the kind folk at the BBHMM Credit Union have the cash for you! Ignore the weird red stains on all the bills, it’s probably just tomato sauce or something. Loans are re-payable in easy instalments with low Rinterest Rates, but make sure you read the fine print which says something about your spouse being forced to live in a giant suitcase and being tortured on the reg. Have a nice day!
“Our Loan Officer Ms Fenty will see you now.”
7. The Madden Bros Nuclear Power Plant (Brought to you by KFC)
Toxic? Full of hot air? An unsettling presence in the Australian community that no one really wants around? Yep, if Joel and Benji Madden were to inspire any building it would have to be a power plant, with twin, smog belching stacks. Brought to you by KFC!
Finger Licken’ Good! (WARNING: DO NOT INGEST)
8. Church Of The Latter Day Hozier
Location: Adelaide, SA.
The City of Churches does not have enough Churches imho, so please welcome the latest holy place of worship, the new Church Of The Latter Day Hozier (his new stuff is better than his old stuff anyway). Wanna worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies? Simply have a dull blade that needs sharpening? Then jump in a cab and declare “Take me to church!” and in no time you’ll be ready to confess them sins with a hairy bearded dude looking down at you from his solid-bronze statue, like at any good holy place!
Pictured: The Second Coming.