It won’t be long before women across the Western world are piling into theaters to watch Mr. Grey abuse his position of power over and over again in the 50 Shades of Grey film adaptation.
Also See: If Your Girlfriend is in Your Facebook Profile Photo You’re Insecure About Your Relationship, Experts Say
But the world of sex gets much more weirder than plain old BDSM. Sure, a leather gimp mask may look a little strange, but that’s nothing compared to some of the stuff people have got up to on this list.
Here are the weird sex stories that make 50 Shades of Grey look tame by comparison.
Weird Sex Stories
Do you have any weird sex stories? Tell us in the comment section below.
Header Image: Getty Images
50 Shades of Grey in Real Life: Weird Sex Stories From Around the World
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Rejected by a Cow, Have Sex with a Sheep Instead
We all face rejection sometimes. Not usually from a cow, admittedly, but rejection is tough to face no matter whom - or what- is doing the rejecting.
61-year-old Paul Lovell basically tried to fuck an entire farm back in 2014, but failed on multiple counts. After he was arrested, the court heard that he tried to put his penis "into the mouth of a cow," with the prosecution continuing: "He did not successfully penetrate the mouth of a cow with his penis and he then moved to another part of the field and tried his luck with some sheep."
There's a man who took "play the field" quite literally.
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The Cheese Enthuasist
I like cheese as much as the next guy. Put a bit of Gorgonzola on a cracker and I'm yours. However, in all my years of cheese eating, never have I thought "this cheddar would be much better if only I had my dick in it."
Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Chris Pagano. Dubbed the "Swiss cheese pervert" (you know your life has taken a wrong turn if that's your nickname), Chris loved nothing more than driving around town in his car, making sweet, fucked-up love to a block of cheese. After this photograph of him was taken, police promptly arrested Chris and his days of cheese-humping in public were over.
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Humping a Car Wash
Back in 2008, a Michigan man was arrested for "receiving sexual favors" from a vacuum in a car wash. We're not sure that the car wash was complicit in handing out these "favors," but unfortunately for the man his few moments of fun were interrupted after witnesses stopped him in his tracks upon seeing him "acting suspiciously." Fucking a car is pretty suspicious behavior, we'll give them that.
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Penis in a Pipe
How desperate must a man be for him to decide that his only course of action is to shove his dick in a pipe? I mean, what's so bad about the good ol' fashioned hand that a pipe seems like a reasonable alternative.
61-year-old Lian Tien from China discovered that sticking your member inside plumbing hardware isn't the best of ideas, after his penis became trapped in there for two whole days. We assume that his reluctance to visit the hospital immediately was out of embarrassment rather than him trying to create a new fashion statement, but regardless Tien had that pipe swinging from his phallus for a good 48 hours before surgeons removed it. His excuse? He was "painting in the nude" and "accidentally fell" cock-first on the pipe. Suuuuuuure.
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Sex with a Dog
19-year-old Wayne Bryson claimed it was "30 seconds of madness" after he decided to film himself shagging his girlfriend's pet Staffordshire Bull Terrier, which on one hand is sickening, but on the other paints Bryson as a humble individual - I suspect that other men may have branded it "7 minutes of madness."
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Potato up the Bottom
"A vicar walks into a hospital with a potato up his bum" sounds like the opening to a terrible joke, but it's an incident that actually took place in Sheffield, UK back in 2008.
The clergyman told hospital staff that he was "hanging curtains naked in the kitchen" when he "fell backwards" onto the potato. I have no idea how hard you'd have to land on a potato for it to enter your anus, but my theory is - and don't quote me on this - that vicar was lying.
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Sex with Cars
There have been many documentaries in recent years covering the topic of people having sex with cars, or Mechaphilia as it is known.
One of the most outspoken members of this oddball sect of sexual society is Edward Smith from Washington, who has revealed that he has had sex with over 1,000 cars of varying shapes and sizes. He's even admitted to having sex with an attack helicopter. We're not sure how that would work, but we can imagine it would've been far riskier than any sexual positions you'd find in the Kama Sutra.
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Mannequin
A thief in Brazil decided to take some downtime from stealing from a shopping center by having his way with a mannequin in one of its stores. Unfortunately for him, the whole incident was captured on CCTV and promptly uploaded to YouTube. Sadly, that's not even the weirdest porn you can find on the internet.
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Drink Trolley
Y'know when you're so messed up on legal highs and alcohol that the only thing for it is to drop your trousers and begin humping a drinks trolley on a packed train? Us neither. But 25-year-old Andrew Davidson certainly does, after he was arrested in 2013 for banging a trolley typically used to hand out refreshments to passengers. Unfortunately, no one was feeling refreshed after that journey... except for Andrew, depending upon how much time he was allowed to spend with the trolley before he was pulled away by staff members.
According to witness statements, Andrew was caught humping the trolley whilst whispering sweet nothings to it, saying: "I want to kiss you, I want to fuck you." Andrew reportedly stated that he was going to make some changes to his social life following the incident, which was probably for the best.
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NASA-funded sex with dolphins.
Margaret Howe Lovatt's story is relatively well-known, but that doesn't make it any less strange.
Back in the '60s, NASA funded an experiment which saw Margaret travel to the US Virgin Islands in an attempt to teach dolphins to speak English. Obviously that's completely impossible, but Margaret's journal, which she frequently updated during the experiment, indicated that while the experiment may well have been a total failure, she did indulge in some extra-curricular activities with the dolphin she was assigned to.
Margaret and the dolphin lived together over a six-month period of time in a home submerged with water, and apparently the inherent loneliness of this experiment meant that she considered shagging a dolphin to be a reasonable idea.
