VMAs Recap: Glamorous Vapidity Reaches its Apex

Blue Ivy VMAs 

Miley Cyrus won top honors at the MTV Video Music Awards with her Video of the Year win for “Wrecking Ball,” and the entire VMAs production was befitting of dominance by something that came from the balls of the mess who sang “Achy Breaky Heart”. In other words, save for a few pop culture watercooler conversation items, the night was a hyperpromoted, gleaming-slick vapid mess.

Saturday Night Live impersonation ninja Jay Pharoah crushed his hosting duties, doing incredible Jay-Z and Kanye West impressions, holding our interest through teenybopper performances and award distributions, which are so insignificant they were all but forgotten footnotes in the production. When Kiwi chanteuse Lorde is considered “Rock” in a nomination category, and she wins, you can’t exactly expect the respect of legitimacy.

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Your little sister’s spoiled princess friend Ariana Grande opened with a bedroom-bop hair-flipping run through “Break Free,” the first of a three-piece medley that continued with Niki Minaj doing an ass-blasting jungle-themed “Anaconda” and wrapped up with the duo joining shouldn’t-be-star Jessie J for a take on ”Bang Bang”. 

It was a high-octane opening strong on flash and action, but the annual controversy-baiting spectacle of MTV’s glitz and glamor showcase was entirely absent this year, however. There was no twerking, no meat-dress, nobody’s gigantic ass implants fell out onstage. It’s not likely that we’ll see big headlines decrying the moral decay of our youth as we normally do, after last year’s twerk-trash pedobear princess took her big moment of triumph on Sunday to draw attention to youth homelessness by having a young man accept her Video of the Year award instead.

Taylor Swift performed her new song “Shake It Off” for the first time, and with a group of tuxed male backup dancers running about in yaaaaawn. Sorry. It’s getting tedious to pretend that a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a heart-frilled Pinterest page is even remotely interesting.

Hopefully, those looking for a little sentimentality didn’t blink when Robin Williams’ face popped up onscreen for what appeared to be a tribute — with Coldplay’s accompanying “A Sky Full of Stars” not even reaching a full verse before commercial break. Common’s poignant moment of silence for Michael Brown and the tragedy in Ferguson hit far harder.

Beyoncé, who closed the show with her typically badass flash and ferocity, gave some meat merit to the night with true artistry while husband Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy watched nearby. The fam joined the child of destiny as she accepted the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard award, and Jay Z called her the “greatest living entertainer,” while she referred to him as “my beloved.” In other words, they just completely f*cked up a solid month’s worth of shitty tabloid divorce rumors. 

So rude.

 

Photo: Getty