I recently watched Metallica on the Colbert Report. It was nothing short of depressing. These guys need to hang it up. They don’t need the money, they haven’t produced an album worth a damn in over twenty years, and things like their latest ego-stroke, Through The Never, just continue the douche chill that is modern Metallica.
While the reasons for the band to lay down their instruments are multiple, we tried to reduce it to the ten most egregious sins, for an indisputable list of Ten Reasons Metallica Need To Call It A Day.
Ten Reasons Metallica Need to Call It a Day
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10. Napster
Yes, this did happen a long time ago, but I think people missed the point. While we as fans felt Metallica, who got big through tape trading, were incredibly hypocritical for trying to shut down Napster, it was really them handing over a list of 60,000 plus Napster users to the feds that tore it. The band has never recovered from that. It was our first introduction to Metallicorporation and to what a douche bag Lars Ulrich could be.
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9. Load/Reload
Two albums of searing failure. The only entertaining thing with Load and Reload is playing them back to back and trying to figure out which one sucks the worst. I’m going with Reload because now, and forever, I will hear James Hetfield bark out “Gimmie Fuel gimmie fire, gimmie that which I desire.”
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8. Some Kind of Monster
Watching rich rock stars bitch and complain about how hard it is to be rich rock stars is hard enough, but to view a band like Metallica turn into crybaby yuppies during their “feelings class” is unwatchable. The worst part was witnessing Lars Ulrich get more excited about getting drunk and selling art, than playing drums. Wait, did I say the worst part? I’m wrong. That title belongs to Lars Ulrich insinuating during bass player tryouts, that Cliff Burton might not be good enough for the band at this point.
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7. Death Magnetic
Watching a band get old is rough, watching them desperately attempt to recapture their relevance is heartbreaking. Death Magnetic, while not as rough on the ears as St. Anger, was, in some ways, even worse. It was a final nail in the coffin of the idea that Metallica might reclaim their lost magic. At this point, Metallicorporation is just spitting out unit movers.
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6. 'Tallica
Once the band started referring to themselves as ‘Tallica, it was pretty much fuck you from there.
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5. The Bass Curse
Every time Metallica loses a bass player, their songwriting skills drop considerably. Cliff Burton dies, fans get And Justice For All, Black Album, etc. Jason Newsted leaves, Metallica release St. Anger and Death Magnetic, not to mention Rob Trujillo’s ridiculous crab-walk spectacle. As they have yet to fire Rob and beg Jason to return, Metallica is clearly unaware of the curse. They have to hang it up before Trujillo leaves or gets fired. Can you imagine the dreck Metallica would record then?
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4. St. Anger
I don’t even need to break this album down. Sit back, close your eyes, and listen to it. They CHOSE that production sound. The band listened to this record and found themselves saying “Wow. Great. Release it.” Lars OPTED for that snare sound. He wanted it to sound like somebody was beating a garbage can lid with a ballpeen hammer. That, right there, screams “HANG IT UP”.
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3. The Black Album
Metallica went from metal band to dancing bears. From heavy metal giants to Vegas lounge act. If you lack courage and intellect, the Black album is for you. Some will scream that the album sold millions. Yeah, well, so did Limp Bizkit and they’re the antichrist.
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2. Lulu
This thing was a punchline waiting to happen. Seriously? Could even the most forgiving Metallica fan, find it in their heart to turn away from this bastard child of a billion bad ideas? The fatal stumble down the staircase of relevancy might have been avoided, if Metallica and Lou Reed slipped Lulu into the world with little or no fanfare. If it had been treated as an oddity, or a curious experiment. Nope, Lulu was lauded as some kind of historical event, with both sides rubbing each other’s egos with the kind of ferocity usually reserved for The Champagne Room. Hilarity ensued. Read our full review.
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1. Lars Ulrich
Everything this guy does sends douche chills up the spine. Napster, Some Kind Of Monster, St. Anger, there is little wrong with Metallica that doesn’t somehow point back to good old Lars. Never before has the vile cesspool of rock stardom been more completely encompassed within one human being. Mix in his lazy, and usually inadequate drumming, and you have a recipe for disaster. Since they won’t ever fire him, how about the band just call it a day?
Credit: WENN.com
