Bristol Palin Has Two Baby Daddies Now

A month after calling off her engagement, Bristol Palin is now pregnant with her second child because abstinence and Christian values are less effective than condoms. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say God isn’t the father, and it’s fairly obvious that the second dude she was gonna marry isn’t the father (it’s probably Mark Ballas) , because other than being sanctimonious and self-righteous, Bristol Palin’s favorite hobby is raw dog. She announced the “big news” in a blog post last night, but you’re gonna have to squint your eyes really hard to see the whole all life is precious thing.

(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!) I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one. At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace. Life moves on no matter what.  So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher. I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy. My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.

Bristol Palin doesn’t want lectures, but she was paid $30K per appearance to give lectures about the dangers of letting dudes blow inside you before you’re married, so let’s just take a moment to think about that. Okay, that moment has passed. She also seems pretty bummed about being pregnant. That’s sad. Man, if there was only a legal procedure available that she could undergo to cheer her and her family and friends up. Or a place she could go that passes out free condoms or birth control, because like George Carlin said, not every ejaculation deserves a name. Also, it’s good to remember that when she was writing this post attacking Miley Cyrus for pointing out the hypocrisy of Christians, her caps lock didn’t see the irony of writing it while secretly pregnant by a second baby daddy out of wedlock. She’ll call it God’s plan or whatever, but in reality she’s just doing what she wants to do like the rest of us, but gets to wrap herself in the nobility of the victim because she somehow thinks she’s morally superior. I hope she does keep her chin up. That’s probably my best advice to her. Since she won’t buy condoms, having the next guy jack off on her tits might help. And keeping her chin is up is probably the best way to keep it out of her eyes.