Paul Newman Has Cancer

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Answering speculation that has been circulating for weeks, a friend of Paul Newman has confirmed that the iconic actor and renowned philanthropist has been stricken with cancer. Dammit. Reuters reports:

Writer A.E. Hotchner, who co-founded Newman’s Own food products with the actor, told Reuters that Newman, 83, was doing fine as of two weeks ago. Asked if Newman had cancer, Hotchner said “he made it known to a lot of his friends.” Hotchner, who lives near Newman and his wife, actress Joanne Woodward, in Westport, Connecticut, said he did not know what type of cancer Newman had because “I don’t believe it’s any of my business, and I don’t want to get into it.”

Paul Newman is a WWII veteran, an Oscar-winning actor, a husband to the same wife since 1958, and owner of Newman’s Own, a food company whose sole purpose of existence is to give all of its profits and royalties to charity (in excess of $220 million since 1982). I swear, if Paris Hilton doesn’t get full-body cancer and then gets attacked by a cyborg dragon with AIDS, then dies and gets resurrected just so she can die of AIDS, God will have a lot of explaining to do.