Move Along. Nothing To See Here.

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There is absolutely no reason to spend your money on this movie, people. Seriously. Going to see this movie is less productive and commendable than calling in sick to work so you can masturbate all day because I’ve done it before, and I was (sort of) ashamed of myself afterward. Actually, I guess what I’m really saying is, instead of seeing this movie, you should just stay home and masturbate. You’ll burn a bunch of calories, and you’re another step (or stepS, in my case) away from converting to Scientology.

Since I’m really good at reading lips, here’s what was said as these photos were snapped at the L.A. premiere of Mission: Impossible III last night …

Tom: Here she is! The proof I’m heterosexual! Yay, me!!

Katie: Holy Hubbard, Tom. This post-pregnancy fat suit the studio’s costume department sent is too small! Ouch, man.

Tom: Shut up and smile, woman.

Katie: Ooh … ouch. Tom, look at my ass. This thing is really penetrating my butt cheeks, man.

Tom: I’ve had worse, woman. Just keep “glowing,” or whatever it is the makeup artist says you women do. I spent a shitload of money on all that “glowing” hair and face spray paint shit.

Tom: Remember you’ve never been happier, the baby is beautiful, Tom is perfect, this movie is fantastic, blah blah blah …

Katie: Ouch, Tom. You’re stepping on my toes. Please stop using those as lifts. The ones in your shoes should be good enough. [Smiling! Never been happier!]

Tom: Do they have the shot of the Cartier LOVE bracelet I made a point to buy in front all of those cameras while in Paris last week? If I convert the whole store, I get a bonus. Get that sucker in the shot, woman!

Katie: Oh, ow. I think one of my jagged ass teeth just punctured my lip. Well, at least it won’t look like one of my frequent herpes explosions this time.

Tom: God, girls are so gross.

Katie: Look, Catholic Mom and Dad, we’re as good as married, I swear! I would have called you, but Tom said I forgot your number. (SOS)

Thanks to Jenn for telling us about that Cartier bracelet. But this Target clearance rack “Car-T-Rare” one I’m wearing is nice, too.