Orlando Bloom is an Excellent Driver

Orlando Bloom almost killed a guy on Monday when he hit him with his car, and apologized with an autograph.

[Bloom] was driving in London on Monday morning when he reportedly pulled out in front of swimming instructor Slawomir Szydlowski, who was riding his motorcycle… When an ambulance arrived to whisk Szydlowski, who suffered deep cuts and internal bleeding, to hospital, Bloom jumped in the back and scribbled a note saying, ‘Sorry mate!’ and signed it. Szydlowski adds, ‘We both had to give breath tests. He did ring to check I was all right.'”

Yeah, see, “Sorry, mate” wouldn’t quite cut it with me. “Sorry,” but if that note isn’t wrapped with a red silk bow around Johnny Depp’s penis (with Johnny still attached to it), then I simply cannot accept your apology. I’m not being unreasonable. Here I am bleeding all over the place, and dying, and stuff, and you hand me this crappy note like you didn’t have enough money to tip me for your meal. You’ve worked with Johnny twice now, which pretty much makes you blood related according to me, and thus obligates him to have sex with me. So remember all this crap I just wrote when I visit London and throw myself in front of your car next week. M’kay, Lando?

Here are some press stills from Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest which can’t get here soon enough:

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