Jennifer Aniston is heartbroken

Jennifer Aniston says she’ll love Brad Pitt “for the rest of my life” according to Rush and Molloy, but try as she might to be gracious and strong, the actress can’t help but weep when she considers that Angelina Jolie might be carrying his child.

Aniston looks as if she’s been stabbed in the heart. Her eyes well up and spill over and she cries for several long minutes. Aniston says she’d hoped to spend the last year being pregnant, and that she resented claims she didn’t want to start a family. “That really p–ed me off. I’ve never in my life said I didn’t want to have children. I did and I do and I will!”

Does Aniston buy his claim that he didn’t cheat on her before they separated?

“I choose to believe my husband,” says Aniston, who nevertheless was hurt by that W magazine portfolio of Pitt and Jolie playing husband and wife. “There’s a sensitivity chip that’s missing [in him],” she says. “I can … imagine Brad having absolutely no clue why people would be appalled by it.”

I know I keep saying the same thing, but there’s no shame in losing a guy to Angelina Jolie. The deck is stacked against you, and that’s okay sometimes. It would be like if an army of monkeys took on the regular army. No matter what cute tricks the monkey army can do, like riding a skateboard and clapping, the regular army can do that too. Plus they have enormous guns. And looking cute in a suit and fedora isn’t gonna make you any less likely to explode when the bullets hit you. So Jennifer Aniston is exactly like an army of monkeys. And before anyone thinks that’s the dumbest thing they’ve ever heard, you should know that this line was in the article too:

She also can’t resist a wry dig at Pitt’s new blond dye job. “Billy Idol called,” she says. “He wants his look back.”

Not so dumb now, is it? Monkeys will drink their own pee to entertain us, but they draw the line at jokes like that.