Hilary Duff learns to surf

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Hilary Duff pretty much has a normal human body, but even that is freakin me out a little. If you’re rich and famous and rich you owe it to me – me personally – to get alarmingly huge implants and only eat cigarettes and coffee till your unhealthily skinny. I’ll write a bitchy piece of shit about you then too, but at least I’ll be masturbating while I do it.

I suppose it is kinda cute that she would try to learn to surf, knowing full well that every awkward thing she does is documented by those guys hiding in the trees. But I only say that cause Hilary has always seemed nice enough – she seemed cute when she got Punk’d – so she gets the benefit of the doubt. If it were the record breakingly punchable Kirsten Dunst, I would ask you to hold on a minute and then an hour later there would be breaking news about the maiming of Kirsten Dunst. And then the world would elect me its king and there would be 7 days of bread and circuses. (oohh, someone’s got a history degree!)