How To Survive A War In Your Office
Photo: Orion Pictures
The film The Belko Experiment is set to hit theaters March 17th. From the red band trailer, it seems to be about a company in the middle of nowhere whose employees are all forced to kill each other. With that in mind, I wanted to teach you how to survive a war in your own office should one ever break out. Now, I hope it never comes to that, but let’s face it… some of your coworkers would totally murder you if given the chance. So here are some tips to keep you alive in this weird thought experiment.
How To Survive A War In Your Office
1.) Be Prepared
Be ready ahead of time. I would venture to guess that most of your coworkers aren’t even considering the possibility of having to go on a killing spree. Maybe your boss is a lunatic that is easily influenced by movies. Maybe your boss is being controlled by the Shadow Government, and they want to thin the herd. All I’m saying is don’t let the news take you by surprise. From the previews, it seems like the first part of Belko Experiment is just people coming to grips with the idea. Not you, you’ve prepared mentally. You’ll have taken out the weakest links before the announcer is done explaining the experiment.
2.) Form Alliances
Before war breaks out, make some friends with people in your office. Form a tight-knit group of buds who will be useful when the experiment begins. They should be people in the office with ambition and drive, as well as the ability to work as a team. When you are forced to start killing, you’ll be much more likely to survive when you have a band of warriors. Also, having a team of talented professionals will make your job easier before you have to kill them. Because after you rid the office of everyone else, you will have to turn on each other. So keep them close, but not too close.
3.) Know Your Enemy
Start keeping track of your coworker’s weaknesses. Does Dale in accounting have a bum knee? Cathy in HR has asthma and can’t go a day without her inhaler? That sort of information will be vital when your office pairs up into tribes. Well, before those tribes turn on each other. Start paying attention, and hell, even keep notes on what’s going on in your coworkers lives. Psychological warfare will also come in handy. And if you are never forced to go on a killing spree, at least you will be a good coworker who keeps up with the lives of officemates. Who knows, that might get you promoted. Now you’re making more money, which you can spend on weapons training. Which brings me to my next point.
4.) Make Weapons
Pens, letter openers, furniture, paper: these can all be used as weapons. There are even some pretty sweet videos out there on making improvised weapons. Sure, you’ll have to do some arts and crafts before you’re ready to fight, but what else are you going to do during your downtime at work? Learn to fight. Not only will the exercise be good for you, you’ll be able to relax knowing that you can kill with your bare hands! Get in shape and stay in shape. It’ll make you look and feel better. And we all know that good looking people get promoted faster and make more money. It’s not fair, but neither is having to murder everyone in your building.
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5.) Be Defensive
Now that you and your team have taken out some of your coworkers, you’re going to be seen as a threat. This puts a target on your back. You might even have to deal with swarms of people who are joining forces to take you out. Make yourself some body armor out of office supplies, set traps, and basically do everything Kevin did in Home Alone. Remember when I told you to take notes on coworkers? Some of them are probably on medication. Take their pills to make poison. You’re going to have to think on the fly to survive. And being able to have good ideas in the moment is also good for your career. Think outside the box, and all that crap. Don’t be afraid to barricade yourself in an office. Do whatever it takes to give yourself a chance at survival. Also, don’t be afraid to fight dirty. If you’re the only one left to tell the story, no one has to know that you were a weasel.