Sports are everything, so in order to keep up with all the highs and lows that come with sports, you’re going to have to join the madness even if you don’t know the first thing about them. If you’re going to hitch a ride on the old bandwagon, you’re going to have to go all in.
Follow the steps below in order to be the perfect bandwagon fan and impress all the friends you pretend to like:
Step 1: Accept the fact that no one gives a shit about Men’s Water Polo and start following a sport people care about.
Step 2: Look up some popular sports teams from your area (not your ultimate Frisbee team).
Step 3: Call your dad and insult him for never teaching you about sports or bonding with you.
Step 4: Try not to cry when he reminds you that you were only interested in board games and films starring Gene Wilder.
Step 5: Tell him to find someone else to pay for his nursing home bills, and then finally hone in on a sports team in your area that is in first place.
Step 6: Buy that team’s most popular player’s jersey, but quickly return it when you realize you’re a grown-up and going with a t-shirt is the better move.
Step 7: Learn the name of at least one other player on that team. For every superstar there’s a player no one cares about. Learn his name. That would impress people.
Step 8: Wear your new digs everywhere you go. Make sure to point at people wearing your team’s stuff, too. Say something like, “This is the year.”
Step 9: Attempt to buy the best seats in the house in order to see your new favorite team in person.
Step 10: Remember that you’re poor and decide instead to go to a local bar to taunt fans of the opposing team.
Step 11: Realize you’d rather not get hit in the face and decide to let your obnoxious digs do the talking instead.
Step 12: Learn a phrase that you can repeat at the bar that is similar to “Let’s go team!” Replace “team” with the name of the team you’re now following.
Step 13: Chant your new phrase at the bar. Feel like the leader of a cult when other fans join in on the chant. Remember to make a note of this to tell your therapist that this counts as making friends.
Step 14: Use the commercial breaks to look up fun facts about your team just in case you have to square off with that guy in the opposing team’s digs who keeps staring you down.
Step 15: Memorize impressive facts like how many games your team won 24 years ago and who holds the record for doing something about something in the year of something.
Step 16: Realize that the guy staring you down is actually the bartender you’ve failed to tip all night.
Step 17: Act like it’s the end of the world when your team begins to lose. Either sulk with other grown men or start yelling random, angry things at the TV. This shows other people that you’ve invested a lot in this team or that you have a serious anger problem that was ignored by your loved ones.
Step 18: Start yelling “I told you!” to no one in particular when your team retakes the lead. Begin that glorious chant once again.
Step 19: Notice a guy wearing face paint in your team’s colors is getting more attention. Hate yourself for not thinking of putting face paint on. Curse your neighborhood for not having a Lowe’s nearby.
Step 20: Exit the bar after your team’s victory. Be sure to avoid parking lot brawls. Yell “World Star!” as you run away from the chaos.
Step 21: Keep tabs on your team by what’s trending on Twitter.
Step 22: Attempt to burn your new digs after they go on a losing streak. Realize that it is not as easy as people make it seem. Bury them instead as part of a ritual.
Step 23: Tell everyone who cares to listen that you would be able to do a better job on the field.
Step 24: Learn through a Vine that your team just made the playoffs and are back to their winning ways. Dig up all your clothes and hope the gods you sacrificed them to aren’t upset.
Step 25: Convince everyone that you were there for the team through thick and thin. Keep your shovel handy, though, for the next time your team starts losing.
