The Strangest Official Movie Merchandise of All Time
When marketing a film, it’s important to keep a few things in mind when it comes to merchandise. First and foremost, does this product make sense in regards to the movie? Secondly, should we be marketing this film and its products to children? Last but not least, is this product even worth making and would anyone actually be interested in owning it? We’re not sure if these questions didn’t cross developers minds when they came out with the following movie tie-in products or if they simply seemed like good ideas at the time, but in either case, please enjoy the plethora of weird headed your way.
“Fifty Shades of Grey” Christian Grey Teddy Bear
What do a cuddly teddy bear and women’s soft-core bondage porn have in common? Seriously, we’re asking. Does it have something to do with laundry detergent?
“Rocky” The Meat Figure
The Meat sold separately. And no, we’re not joking.
“Iron Man 3” Computer Mouse
Surf the web while poking your favorite superhero in the eyes repeatedly. And at only $113, you’d be a sucker not to do it.
“Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back” Tauntaun Sleeping Bag
Let your children slumber the night away in the only sleeping bag with that “killing to survive” comfort.
“Despicable Me 2” Fart Blaster Minion Gadget
Or, to the parent of the child who just received this as a gift, your worst nightmare.
“Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” Photon Torpedo Casket
Now with bonus urn for those who’d like to die with slightly more dignity.
“Monsters University” Go Glow Flashlight
We just double-checked, and it’s definitely not “asslight.”
“E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial” Atari Video Game
So poorly designed that copies recently had to be dug out of a landfill.
“Shrek Forever After” Twinkies with Creamy Ogre Green Filling
We repeat: “ogre green creamy filling.”
“Rambo” Black Flak Bubble Gum
That black raspberry flavor that makes blowing dudes’ heads off as pleasant as a Vietnam flashback.
They’ll go great with your new Pinocchio boxers.
“A Nightmare on Elm Street” Freddy Fright Squirter
Don’t be a horrible parent. Ages 4 and up only, please.
So we snuck one unofficial product onto this list, but it was too sad not to.
“Human Centipede” Necklace
OK, we’ll throw a second unofficial item in for good measure. Some sort of measure, anyways.
“Dune” Coloring and Activity Books
We think this sample illustration speaks for itself.
“The Dark Knight” Joker Dog Costume
Dress your Pit Bull like a homicidal maniac. What could go wrong?
“Aliens,” “Predator” and “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” Micro Machines
Sure, they’re all rated-R movies, but at least none of the packaging reflects tha — oh dear god.
“Casino Royale” 007 Bathing Suit Popsicle
For the woman who’s already terrible at the art of seduction, suck on this shirtless mansicle.
Kentucky Fried Chicken’s “License to Kill” 007 Ties
Matching cufflinks available at Carl’s Jr.
“Mean Girls” Nintendo DS Video Game
With sample gameplay this engrossing, how could we say no?
“Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” Cereal
Now with even more mini Robin Hood penises in every bite!
“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” Vibrating Nimbus 2000 Broom
It was, not surprisingly, more popular among teen girls before getting pulled from the market almost immediately.
“Being John Malkovich” Promotional Nesting Dolls
“The Blair Witch Project” Soundtrack
From the movie that brought you no actual music.
“Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace” Jar Jar Binks Lollipop
We’re not sure what’s worse: this french-kissing children’s sucker or the Lando Calrissian Disguise Kit.