I Watched Every Single ‘Saw’ Movie in a Row. This Is My Story.

You know how the weekend is a perfect time to go to the beach or spend some time with loved ones? It’s also a wonderful time to watch every one of the “Saw” movies in a row! Most movie fans will agree that the first one is a great thriller with an iconic twist ending, but after that it’s just a cinematic cash cow being milked until dust comes out.

Here is what happens when you watch all seven of the “Saw” films – even the one they decided to do in 3-D for some reason – in a row. Be warned, it’s not pretty. For 11 hours, I did nothing but watch Jigsaw play games. These are my thoughts as I watched in real time:


I’m actually looking forward to watching this one. I haven’t seen it in years, plus it has Miles from “Lost” in it and also DANNY GLOVER!

I think people focus way too much on the murderous, sadistic side of Jigsaw and not on the fact that he’s an amazing ventriloquist. I think if I were a detective on the case I would just search all the local craft stores for anyone buying the supplies to make ridiculous looking puppets and cross-reference that with adults buying red tricycles.

By the way, how is Jigsaw just walking around dressed like a hipster druid and no one minds? Every time we see him he’s wearing this giant black and red robe. I feel like if you put an APB out saying, “Be on the lookout for emo Obi-Wan Kenobi” it wouldn’t be that hard to track him down.

“Oh hey guys. Don’t mind me. I’m just looking for the body of John Locke.”

The first movie is honestly not that bad. Sure it’s a little silly, but it feels more like a crime thriller than a series of bad riddles that end with body parts whipping around like Willow Smith’s hair in 2010. My biggest problem with it is this:

How terrible are the janitors at this place? Those toilets are a mess, the walls are subpar to say the least, and surely that puddle of blood is a fall/lawsuit waiting to happen. If this were a video game, you could twist that valve on the side and a bunch of coins would fall out of the ceiling.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. So the “Princess Bride” shot the guy from “Insidious,” which would have killed him if he did it correctly. Ben Linus shows up and tries to shoot “Princess Bride,” only to be stopped by “Insidious.” If he hadn’t survived then wouldn’t everyone have died? Also Jigsaw just kind of boned “Insidious” guy because the key to his chain was in the bathtub that was immediately drained. Was his “big sin” not conserving enough water? By the way, what if Jigsaw woke up before everything had finished transpiring? “Wow, hey, sorry guys. I guess I have a bit of explaining to do lol.” Get out of here with your lies, Jigsaw.

On to Saw II!

I was a little disappointed by the setup Jigsaw had put this guy in as the movie started, since I’m not fond of watching people attempt to cut out their own eyeballs, but then things got a lot better. How’s that, you ask?

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK! Donnie Don and the Funky Bunch are on the case and he’s doing all the things police officers do. He’s shining flashlights and loosening his tie in a dramatic fashion. I guess you could say he’s solving the case … “step by step”? Or maybe you could say that, no matter what Jigsaw does, he’s still … “hangin’ tough”? God, I wish I could high-five myself right now.

The police busted in and caught Jigsaw, who apparently just sits around in his robe all day waiting for intruders to fall into his traps like a less witty version of Kevin McCallister in “Home Alone.”

Now we find out that Jigsaw has New Kids on the Block’s son and some other random people trapped in a house. Is that the girl from “7th Heaven”? I don’t think there’s a more smooth career transition than going from “7th Heaven” to “Saw II.” Everyone is freaking out and giving way too much personal information about themselves for no reason. One guy was talking about how long he was in prison. Why would you just throw out that information?

“It seems we’ve been kidnapped. I have a severe gluten allergy and I hate Burt Reynolds movies.”

Everyone keeps talking about how Jigsaw wants them to survive and he’s only testing them. Maybe I’m being silly, but a test for me would be like leaving a $20 bill hanging out of your pocket and seeing if you’ll grab it. Not making you cut your eyeball out in order to get a key to keep your skull from being crushed.

After watching several people die on video monitors, NKOTB decides to do something besides just letting Jigsaw sit in his chair and hang out with everybody. Seriously, wouldn’t they have at least started booking him by now? He goes “Zero Dark Thirty” on old Jigs and gets out of the building without anyone noticing. This could seriously be the worst team of police officers ever assembled.

So finally we figure out the big twist is that Daniel, Wahlberg’s son, was in the safe in the room with the officers the whole time! All of the footage they were watching was prerecorded! What Jigsaw was trying to teach him was that when a psychopath kidnaps your son and infects him with a deadly virus, while making your watch him narrowly escape death at every corner, just chill out. Relax, bro. Just enjoy your day and everything will work itself out. Sound advice!

Let’s start Saw III!

I’m not hating life yet, but I’m definitely not looking forward to FIVE more of these movies.

This guy was given another simple test by Jigsaw. Apparently he spent a lot of time in prison so Jigsaw gave him the choice of ripping giant chains out of his body, which would most certainly result in him bleeding to death, or getting destroyed with a bomb. SEEMS FAIR.

“Hey, I know you’ve had several speeding tickets so you either have to eat this entire Honda Civic in two minutes or a thousand children will stab you to death with dull pencils.”

We jump right into another “test” where Not-Felicity has to get a key out of a bucket of acid that eats her skin within a minute, or her ribs get torn apart. The trap was rigged by a mysterious stranger, so she would die either way. She does the only logical thing and throws her hands up like Michael Jackson’s world tour:

This one just keeps going on and on with traps and very little plot to actually tie it all together. Can you imagine if Jigsaw used his creativity to make patents and helpful inventions instead of trying to create Mr. Freeze from “Batman Forever”?

We get this whole story about trust or forgiveness or something, but the best part of the whole movie had to be this scene:

Jigsaw is a sadistic pseudo-serial killer but that doesn’t mean he forgets to take time for a little arts and crafts! I just want to picture him planning out all of these elaborate traps and schemes, but putting them on hold because he ran out of red paint to put a cute swirl on his puppet’s cheek.

Jigsaw has some Home Depot brain surgery done on him with power tools and then a guy that kind of looks like Shrek gets his legs and arms twisted off like a 20 oz bottle of Sprite Remix.

We get another one of those elaborate flashbacks where the entire plot is spoon-fed to us in two minutes. We find out those unwinnable tests were actually put together by the junkie girl. Great. Whatever. I ordered a pizza 45 minutes ago and it’s still not here. Is this a game, Jigsaw? Are you testing me? I’m not stabbing the pizza guy, if that’s what you want. Oh, also Jigsaw died, which would normally end a franchise, but just like Tupac, he keeps cranking out the hits from beyond the grave.

Saw IV hooray!

Jigsaw is dead, but he got me good right from the beginning on this one. Within the first 2 minutes, we see his balls. Sorry, John, I don’t want to play this game. I didn’t really think I would be spending my evening looking at the balls of a corpse, but here we are!

Oh, cool, another great test that’s definitely not guaranteed to murder someone. One dude’s eyes are sewn shut and the other guy’s mouth is sewn shut. I guess they’re supposed to work together to keep from dying? How is Jigsaw’s crew buying all of these tools for traps without raising any suspicion? Are they winning storage lockers and just working with what they find or is this the worst Amazon wish list ever created?

Good old Detective Hoffman is becoming much more prominent at this point. Seriously, how obvious is it that he’s a bad guy? He always looks sweaty while bending the rules, but not quite breaking them. There are some new detectives this time, probably because all the other ones have been murdered. Of all the guys to after, they decide to take down this fella:

What’s his big sin, you ask? He cares too much about his friends and tries to rush in and save them. Boy, it’s a good thing Jigsaw is bringing this troublemaker down a peg or two. The most important thing that’s revealed to us is a big one. Guess who’s still alive?

Wahlberg!!! After all this time he’s still alive. I really hope someone at least told him his son is alive. That’s just mean, if you ask me.

(In case you’re wondering my pizza finally got here and it’s delicious. I really didn’t think about how disgusting it would be watching a woman slowly getting her scalp ripped off while eating tomato sauce and pepperoni, though. That was definitely a lack of planning on my part.)

For some reason, they’re really delving into this horrible story that Jigsaw has conveniently forgotten about all these years. A junkie smashed a door into his pregnant wife’s stomach and caused her to have a miscarriage. You’d think he would seek revenge on guys like this before now, but no. Instead he’s tormenting guys for really loving their children and officers that support their colleagues a little more than he thinks they should. I spilled Sprite all over my shirt so now I’m even more upset about this.

Jigsaw is just pissing me off at this point. Remember the junkie guy that accidentally hit his pregnant wife with a door? He made him press his face through a bunch of knives. After he got out, with his mutilated face, the dude obviously tried to attack Jigsaw, only to fall into barbed wire and painfully die. I suppose this was also just a test. There are three pieces of pizza left, but I’m so annoyed by Jigsaw’s stupid, fake morals I don’t even want to eat them. (I’m going to eat them, but just out of spite.)

All heck just broke loose as New Kids on the Block gets smashed to death with ice cubes and everyone else gets shot. Hoffman and the guy from “Gilmore Girls” are the only ones left. Hey, here’s an easy way to find out who’s committing all the murders; go to Staples and look at their sales records. Whoever bought 800 mini cassette tapes is your killer. It ends with Jigsaw assuring us the games have just begun. I hate him so much right now.

Oh god, I just realized there aren’t six of these movies; there are seven. This is like finding out there’s one more year of high school after your senior year and it’s nothing but chemistry classes. I hated chemistry.

The scene with “Gilmore Girls” getting a box stuck on his head is truly hilarious. He ends up jamming a pen into his throat so he can breathe, which means if his attacker had also stuck a Pringles can over each of his hands, then he would’ve been killed.

Hoffman gets promoted and the police chief talks about all the brave officers that gave their lives in the hunt for Jigsaw. They show a picture of Miles from “Lost” and Danny Glover, but I’m assuming the other 200 photos are wrapped around the building like a Hobby Lobby sidewalk sale. Seriously, there’s no way I’d stay on the force knowing that there’s a 97% chance I’ll be killed by a puppet.

Somehow during all of chaos, another group of people have been kidnapped and placed into a house set up with traps that would’ve taken months to set up. This group may be the most obnoxious of all because each “test” is clear that they could work together and all survive, but instead they just keep killing each other. They seem as bored of Jigsaw’s tricks as I am. I just want to take a shower.

This entire movie is a steady dose of those idiots killing each other and “Gilmore Girls” verbally walking through the entire plot of the series, explaining how Hoffman was involved with everything. Sure, whatever.

At least we got these really adorable scenes of Jigsaw training Hoffman in his ways:

Step 1: Get a silky, hooded robe.

Step 2: Buy a bunch of pig masks, for some reason.

Step 3: I dunno, kill some people?

The good news is that each of these movies gets shorter and shorter. The bad news is that I would rather lick Hoffman’s greasy hair brush than watch another one. Nevertheless, I press on.

It ends with Hoffman lying on some broken glass in a box while “Gilmore Girls” gets crushed by the trash compactor from “Star Wars.” I just remembered I have a pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups in the freezer. That’s really the only thing I took away from the scene.

Saw VI (Does it even matter which one it is anymore?!)

Hahahaha, this is the most ridiculous test yet. This lady and her chubby friend are being “tested” because they’re loan officers and Jigsaw felt like they loaned out too much money. By the end, it’s going to be, “You knowingly drank a Pepsi when there was a Coke readily available to you. For this sin, one of you will die.”

This round Jigsaw has decided that an evil insurance manager must pay. Hoffman and Jigsaw’s hot wife are trying to kill a reporter or each other or something. I just miss what life was like before I started watching these movies. I miss the warmth of the sun.

Wait, are you telling me no one remembers someone coming into Party City and buying two dozen of these:

The whole trap house story was the same routine of killing terrible people, except they also killed the janitor, for some reason. What on earth could the janitor have possibly done to piss off Jigsaw and deserve to be crushed to death? He’s already trying to live off the wages of janitorial services, so why not cut him a break for not watering the office plants enough.

A few questions I have about the series:

  • Do we find out if John spells his name Kramer or Cramer? I really want to know if he ties in with Seinfeld at all.
  • Are we seriously not going to address how far out of Jigsaw’s league his wife is? It’s almost comical.
  • Have you ever noticed “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” is basically “Saw,” but with desserts?

This one ends with Hoffman looking like my cousin when he had to get those ridiculous full head braces when he was 11. Now the three cops that aren’t dead have to know he’s up to no good, right? It’s the last movie and I’m seriously about to start crying.

OK, let’s talk about two things that are already stupid in this movie: First of all, we just randomly get a flashback scene of Princess Bride crawling over and burning his leg wound shut. That’s not suspicious at all.

Now this next thing we seriously need to talk about:

We’ve gotten to the point that Jigsaw is now playing extreme relationship therapist and decides to make these dudes either murder each other or cut a girl in half because she was cheating on them. During that scene, the funniest possible thing happened. This puppet came rolling in on a tricycle to explain what was going on:

That means Hoffman or Jill or Gandalf or whomever is the killer in this particular scenario had to pose this cute little guy on his bike and make him ride out to chat with the audience. That’s adorable!

The worst part of this movie is that the studio decided to do it in 3D to make some extra money, which forced them to put in those awful scenes that are clearly only there to take advantage of the 3D effects. They might as well be dangling their finger in front of them and yelling, “Does it look like it’s coming at you? DOES IT?!” The Jill Tuck dream death might as well have been a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

The guy in the house of pain is a fraud author that pretended to be one of Jigsaw’s surviving test patients. If Jigsaw needed a reason to kill someone, maybe he should have looked at himself for wearing this stupid hat and looking like the worst undercover cop posing as a teen ever:

I seriously almost peed my pants because this puppet just crashed through the window in a giant birdcage like he was the Kool-Aid Man. It was so over the top and unnecessarily dramatic. I wish the rest of the movie was just 40 minutes of that happening over and over.

There are a bunch of new cops again. I’m assuming there’s no time for training so now there’s just a sign-up sheet. Don’t worry, they all died. If you’re a petty criminal, this is the city for you. Literally every member of law enforcement has been killed by Jigsaw, so all you have to do is walk into a Best Buy and steal whatever you want. Stab someone. Urinate on the floor. It’s basically “The Purge.”

The guy that wrote the fake book saw pretty much everyone involved in his lies be brutally murdered. However, when he’s unable to hang from chains by only his titties, she gets burned alive. Hmm, what exactly did she do?

Hoffman kills Jill and every detective, officer, and parking meter in the tri-state area and destroys all the evidence. It looks like he’s going to get away but guess who shows up?

Of course! Why wouldn’t the guy that had his family kidnapped and tormented while also having to brutally saw off his own leg help out in Jigsaw’s adventures? I’m sure he would definitely want to see people slowly and painfully killed after going through the hell that he experienced. Honestly, at this point, I wish Dr. Gordon would come through the doors and put me out of my misery. Lock me in that stupid bathroom with Hoffman and the ghost of your dead foot. Take your subpar 3D effects, your “GAME OVER” catch phrase and leave me alone. I’m going to bed.