The Emmys Were Last Night

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The 62nd Annual Emmy Awards honored the best in television last night by handing out trophies to millionaires who stand on an X and read words on paper for a living, but unfortunately for them, NFL preseason football and True Blood were on last night, too. Basically what I’m saying is, I Googled all this shit.

Sookie and Bill showed up to their first event as a married couple, and I don’t know how many presents they got at the reception, but hopefully they registered at a dentist’s office.

Only kindergartners and Asian girls should have bangs, so of course Emily Deschanel looks weird. She’s in a show called Bones I’ve never seen, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’s about her jaw being replaced with the Iron Giant’s.

Christina Hendricks once again used alien technology and Mayan spells to push her massive rack up to her neck, so we’d be distracted and forget about everything else. She lost in the supporting actress category, and in more bad news, her husband lost a call before he got the customer’s service tag. Poor guys!

January Jones is clearly the hottest one on Mad Men, plus she’s slutty and likes to drive drunk then text married guys. The only thing that would make her more perfect is if her anus took debit cards.

She was annoying as hell last season Dexter, so I guess that’s why in the season finale Julie Benz bled out in a bathtub. But according to these pictures, her nipples are very, very much alive.

Who the hell knows why Kim Kardashian was there. She looks like something on a black escort website that would come to your door if you ordered the Cleopatra.

Eva Amurri has a face only her mother Susan Sarandon could love, but like her mother, she has these (NSFW). Every kid in Haiti could get free lunch for a year with these two.

Tina Fey also showed up in a dress almost as confusing as the reasons people think she’s attractive. She looks like the Greek goddess of concealer.