Juan Carlos Cruz Is Basically Retarded

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Former host of Food Network host’s Calorie Commando, Juan Carlos Cruz was arrested last week after he recruited homeless people to kill someone for $1,000. CNN reports:

The plan fell apart when the homeless people Cruz allegedly recruited told officers with the Santa Monica Police Department’s Homeless Liaison Program, authorities said. An undercover investigation, which began on May 7, revealed the murder-for-hire method, where and when the individual was to be killed and the terms of payment, Trisler said. Cruz was arrested at a dog park in the Cheviot Hills neighborhood of Los Angeles, California, on Thursday afternoon, he said. Cruz, who is being held on a $5 million bail on a charge of solicitation to commit murder, is expected to make a first appearance in court Monday.

Oh, who was he trying to kill? His wife. TMZ reports:

The homeless men Juan-Carlos Cruz allegedly tried to hire to kill his wife claim they were instructed to “cut [a] woman’s throat.” The men told TMZ an elaborate story. According to Little Dave, Cruz — who had a show on The Food Network — said he wanted someone to do “dirty deeds done dirt cheap.” He says Cruz told him he would give him “a grand.” Cruz then gave Little Dave a box which contained a box cutter, a disposable cell phone, gloves and a pocket watch. He says Cruz gave he 1/2 of 10 hundred dollar bills, and promised to give him the other halves when the job was done. Little Dave says Cruz showed him a picture of the other half of the money.

Man, paying homeless guys $1,000 to kill someone? Why hasn’t anybody else thought of that. I thought all homeless people were crackheads with schizophrenia and PTSD who yelled a mailboxes for keeping secrets about them. Who knew they could be trusted to carry out elaborate murder schemes? I don’t why Cruz didn’t tie his wife over a pit of sharks or tie her to a railroad track while he set out to prove that you can have all those diner classics you crave without loading up on fat and calories, because obviously he some sort of criminal mastermind.

He should have hired this guy: