Press “X” To Thrust: Why Video Games Should Stay Celibate

Video game sex scenes are pretty much universally terrible. While the technical side of games may have evolved considerably in recent years, developers still haven’t quite got the knack of making two 3D character models mounting one another look natural.

However, there are some video games with sex scenes that are infinitely worse than others, and as we’ve suffered through all of them, we’re now going to make you suffer, too. Here are 7 terrible sex scenes in otherwise great video games:

Heavy Rain

Mopey dad Ethan takes a break from trying to rescue his son in Heavy Rain to indulge in some depressing sex, as players are tasked with successfully following a quick-time event in order to get down to business with Madison. We’ve never had our child kidnapped and then stored in a well before, so we can’t really judge Ethan’s decision-making all too much, but there may have been better uses of his time than awkwardly rolling around with Madison on a grubby motel floor.

Heavy Rain was hailed as one of the best-looking console games ever at the time, though its sex scene isn’t a particularly good indicator of its graphical prowess. Ethan and Madison’s heads bang together while they’re “kissing,” his mutilated hand keeps popping up in the background as a result of him being forced to cut off his finger mere hours before, and the entire debacle anticlimactically concludes next to the bed rather than on top of it, all while his son Shaun is in the process of being drowned by the Origami Killer. You probably won’t be winning any “Dad of the Year” awards anytime soon, Ethan, and you might also want to get that hand checked out. That’s how people get gangrene, y’know.

 

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Though not included in the game itself, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas’ ‘Hot Coffee’ mission is undoubtedly the most infamous sex scene in any game ever. The reaction to its crude bonking was also hilariously absurd.

In GTA: SA, protagonist CJ could go out with a number of girlfriends before heading back to their home for some good old-fashioned adult fun. Rockstar had created a mini-game for this event in which players could simulate having sex with these women, though this was removed from the final version of the game. However, the mini-game was spotted in San Andreas’s files by eagle-eyed PC players, and soon it was uncovered by way of the Hot Coffee mod. It was later made available in the PS2 and Xbox versions of the game thanks to console hacking tools.

The furor surrounding this previously inaccessible mini-game caused the game to be re-rated as Adults Only in North America, with Rockstar deploying patches and fixes in later versions of the game to restore it back to its previous Mature rating. The intense debate surrounding this mod was incredible considering how downright ridiculous this mini-game was, with a fully-clothed CJ and his chosen love interest essentially dry-humping their way into controversy.

 

The Witcher 3

The Witcher series features a variety of sex scenes, so it stands to reason that a few of them would be a bit weird, but The Witcher 3’s rutting atop a unicorn really takes the cake.

If the act of romping while on the back of a stuffed mythical creature wasn’t off-putting enough, then it should also be pointed out that in The Witcher’s lore, unicorns are actually intelligent and sentient, meaning that Geralt and Yennefer are essentially fucking on their world’s equivalent of a particularly knowledgeable dolphin. We’re not really sure why they view the unicorn as an ideal spot for their dirty deed, though PETA should almost certainly get involved.

 

God of War (All of Them)

God of War may have always known how to portray gratuitous violence, but oh boy did the series struggle when it came to sex. Vengeful bastard Kratos spent each game diving into bed with a series of women, with the ensuing scenes each seeing the camera stray to the right before focusing on an inanimate object while players took part in a quick-time event. I’m not sure why so many rely on QTEs for their sex scenes, but it probably says a lot about them that they reduce shagging to pressing a button every now and again.

Every God of War sex scene looks like it was designed in the mind of a teenage boy, throwing nudity on the screen with all the enthusiasm of a pimpled dork typing “BOOBS” on his calculator. There is no sex scene in the God of War series that is even remotely passable, from the standard definition screwing of the first game through to the incestuous Aphrodite hook-up in God of War 3, but this isn’t exactly surprising considering that Kratos appears to hate women.

Though Kratos enjoys a number of (very fleeting) relationships with women, he’s not exactly a devout feminist. For instance, in the God of War 3 mission ‘Poseidon’s Princess,’ our “hero” takes it upon himself to lodge a female slave’s body into a crank in order to make his way through a sealed gate. The woman’s body is brutally crushed by this crank, killing her in the most painful way imaginable, and Kratos could have used one of the literal thousands of enemies he had killed in place of this very alive and very innocent lady, but that wouldn’t be “edgy” enough for the walking phallus. He instead murders her and happily carries on with his day, back to his life of unimaginable bloodshed and quicktime humping.

 

Far Cry 3

Far Cry 3 places you among a group of young adults who would probably refer to themselves as “social media influencers,” and then asks you to willingly rescue them rather than leave them to die on the pirate-infested island on which they’re being held hostage. It’s a tall ask considering that each of these dickheads look like the type who would say “hashtag” out loud unironically, but this is the hand you’re dealt as protagonist Jason, who isn’t exactly the most charming of guys himself.

Jason’s personality veers from Logan Paul to a murderous tribal warrior, with this curious character development capturing the attention of Citra, a Rook Islands native who is seen as a goddess by her legion of followers. In the game’s finale, you can choose to have Jason kill his friends and stay with Citra as a happy-go-lucky serial killer, or rescue them and go back to his life as a douchebag in the knowledge that he single-handedly decimated a faraway island’s population.

If you choose the former option, Jason and Citra do the deed from an uncomfortable POV perspective, soundtracked by Jason’s enthusiastic grunting. Unfortunately for our hero, this escapade ends rather dismally, as Citra promptly stabs a knife into his chest and kills him before telling him that she’s going to have his son. As far as one night stands go, this ranks right up there with the very worst.

 

Fallout: New Vegas

Matthew Perry may have portrayed everyone’s favorite character in Friends (aside from those lunatics who liked Ross), but he’s not exactly what you would call a sexy man. However, Obsidian Entertainment thrust Perry into a role in which he was tasked with engaging in some pillow talk with the player-character, and it does not go well.

As Fallout: New Vegas antagonist Benny, Perry’s line-reading sounds like it was hurriedly conducted in the space of one day, showing that talented actors can’t always make the transition into voice acting. To make matters even worse, if the player is a female character and has the Black Widow perk equipped, sex with Benny is made a possibility and the end result is suitably awful.

Delivering lines like “nice Charlies, too! Give them a shake for the Ben-man, would ya?” and “You’re platinum, pussycat! You know how to swing!” with all the enthusiasm of a man reading out a crossword puzzle to his exhausted wife, thankfully the screen fades to black and the sex with Perry’s wooden acting isn’t shown, but the voice work alone is enough to induce a gag reflex.

 

Fahrenheit

David Cage sucks at sex scenes. The Quantic Dream founder desperately tries to include naked women in his games, only for each attempt to have all the eroticism of a damp fart. Somehow Heavy Rain isn’t his most egregious offense in this department, with Fahrenheit a.k.a. Indigo Prophecy’s attempt being even more dreadful.

Featuring Lucas and Tiffany quite literally bumping uglies as their blocky PS2-era character models lethargically hump one another, Cage decided to soundtrack this whole affair with Theory of a Deadman’s ‘Santa Monica’ for no discernible reason. We don’t know who keeps letting David Cage make video games, but with Detroit: Become Human set to launch later this year, we’re buckling ourselves in for more heinous shagging.

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