The following editorial was written by Dominic DeAngelo and does not reflect the opinions of WrestleZone as a whole. We encourage you all to discuss Dominic’s thoughts in the comments section at the bottom of this post and follow him on Twitter @DominicDeAngelo.
I was going to start my WWE TLC preview out in pig Latin for the first three paragraphs but the past several months of RAW really stole my thunder in the “attempt to confuse department.” And, hey, I know what you’re thinking, “Dominic, you disingenuous hack, there’s no such thing as an ‘attempt to confuse department, ya big goof!’” Typically, I’d agree with you (on the hack part), but in this case I’d lead you to the very top of Titan Towers in Stamford, CT where there’s a storage room with that very name, inhabited by Brutus Beefcake’s list of future bookings, the old SmackDown fist and an alternate universe version of a Virgil that isn’t lonely. It’s Vince McMahon’s second favorite place of solace, but the only way to reach it is by stepping through his first favorite fortress of solitude: “the give zero fucks” department (oh fuck, I said the secret word! Check out Joey Janela’s “The Greatest Clusterfuck” over WrestleMania weekend!)
We all visit our own version of that department from time to time and for anybody in the creative profession (including Vince’s) a stop by that department is good to do. Good for the soul, “if you weel.” Sometimes you just gotta unfasten the belt Al Bundy style and loosen up because it does help the creativity flow, but VKM has set up camp there. He’s getting stir crazy like Jack Torrance up in that beast and I don’t think there’s any turning back. And who’s playing the role of Dick Hallorann? Us fans, of course. Wham! Axe right to belly. And the entire writing staff is his freaked out wife screaming in terror as he wields said axe through the door of thought and logic while the entire roster plays little Danny on the trike seeing all types of crazy unfold, thus scarring him for life so he turns into Dr. Sleep.
Geez, I rambled pretty good there, so in a roundabout way, I kind of did speak pig Latin, particularly for you folks that aren’t Stephen King of the Ringers. Back to the wrestling, or what Vince likes to call it, “the exploitation of dead legends in a mad abuse of power that not only creeps fans out, but upsets employees.” Let’s get to WWE TLC:
TABLES, LADDERS AND CHAIRS MATCH
Braun Strowman vs Baron Corbin
(If Strowman wins, he faces Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble for the Universal Championship and Corbin is removed as GM. If Corbin wins, he becomes permanent General Manager of RAW.)
We’ve been clamoring for it, now we’re finally getting it – the top star of RAW, Baron Corbin in the main event. Nevermind that whole six days ago thing, we’re seeing the mulligans of all mulligans here, but replace Rollins with a less athletically gifted opponent for BC to face in Strowman. Braun’s going to obliterate Corbin in some sort of monster babyface way that will lead the great constable’s removal from his interim GM position, thus relinquishing power over everything that’s wrong with RAW, from booking luchadores in handicap matches to Drake Maverick’s bladder. Vince may have camp in the “GZF Department,” but even a crazy-eyed Jack Nicholson can see that keeping Corbin as the RAW figurehead is dumber than Heath Slater in zebra stripes (he’s got to see that, right?)
WINNER and new captain of Drake Maverick’s bodily functions: Braun Strowman
Daniel Bryan (c) vs AJ Styles
“New” Daniel Bryan makes everyone hate the environment. How dare he look out for o-zone layer, the well-being of animals and mother earth! Listen, I think we’ve all come to a point where we’ve wanted to slap an SUV owner crisp across the face at one point in our lives, but Bryan has been good in his “holier-than-thou hippie” role. For most, it would come off as CJ Parker-ish, but Bryan’s got the top name cache and the venomous face-stomping mean streak to give his new direction a lot of distance to run. Plus, he’s got a great adversary in AJ Styles. Bryan wins this one as we see Styles head in a different direction that doesn’t involve the WWE Title and hopefully less nut shots.
Winner & STILL WWE Champion: Daniel Bryan
RAW WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP
Ronda Rousey (c) vs Nia Jax
Pretty punch-drunk from all these pugilist puns since Becky Lynch turned up bloody on RAW all those weeks back, but Ronda may be feeling the same way considering the blowback she’s been getting from her feud with the “Johnny Cash Of The Canvas.” Stacking her up against Nia has been an attempt to divert the negativity away from “The Baddest Woman On The Planet.” Rousey hasn’t been the best at helping said diversions, but I do think her getting booed is overall unjust and unfortunate. She’s greatly a victim of booking’s old haunts in which fans were forced to cheer for talent they wanted to boo and vice versa. The chickens have come home to roost, so to speak, but Ronda will likely be on the good guy side of things as she goes after the source of Becky getting blindsided. Nia says she’ll punch Rousey into submission, but Ronda’s gonna get this one clean, even with the odds stacked against her. Actually looking forward to the storytelling in this one (which is odd, considering it’s a RAW property).
Winner & Still RAW Women’s Champion: Ronda Rousey
Seth Rollins (c) vs Dean Ambrose
Seth spoke for us in the opening segment of RAW on Monday, but what he didn’t say is if he’s been wearing deodorant which has to be extremely disconcerting to his ol’ buddy Dean. Dean’s pretty much stated that he is more worried about the strongest of his five senses than what Roman Reigns thinks and that doesn’t sit well with Seth (or the fans for that matter.)
This here is a feud that can stand on its two feet (hell, one even) as Ambrose and Rollins is a match that could be built for Mania if properly planned out, but the “GZF department” just has to reference Reigns’ illness in the feud doesn’t it? Professional wrestling is supposed to be an escape from reality, correct? Well we don’t need any reminders that one of wrestling’s biggest stars is going through the battle of his life just for the sake of being edgy. It legitimately damages what could be a historic feud with a gloomy overcast, one that fans don’t want any part of. Dean wins via underhanded means and this carries on.
Winner & NEW Intercontinental Champion: Dean Ambrose
Natalya vs. Ruby Riott
See above but with the exploitation turned up to 11. Natalya will win this or Vince has been possessed by Satan.
NEXT PAGE: Becky vs. Charlotte vs. Asuka, Drew vs. Finn, more