On Monday, August 25, Hollywood will converge on the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles for the 66th Annual Emmy Awards. The Emmys are the top honors in television, as dramas, comedies, variety shows and reality programming are given their due.
At least in theory.
In practice, the Emmy Awards have an embarrassing history of making the wrong choices, snubbing deserving programs and performers as well as voting for the same people over and over again.
Case in point: “Breaking Bad” would have probably swept the major drama categories this year if HBO hadn’t placed “True Detective” into the same categories as well. “Breaking Bad” could still walk away with the most awards, but at least now there is some suspense in the drama section.
But this list isn’t about “True Detective” or “Breaking Bad.” This is a list about the performers and TV shows that absolutely should not win the Emmys in their respective categories. Some are completely undeserving, while others have been honored so many times that it’s getting pretty ridiculous at this point.
It should be noted that the following choices are simply my opinion, with a certain amount of tongue-in-cheekiness implied. You don’t have to agree with me. You may not find this list funny. But I want all of you to know that I genuinely don’t want these shows or performers to win this year.
If the Emmys come and go with these winners I will be very, very angry. It will also mean that the Emmy voters got it wrong yet again. So for sake of my sanity… Don’t Fucking Give Them The Emmys!
And if you feel the need to argue about this list… that’s what the comment section is for.
Don’t F***ing Give Them The Emmys!
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American Horror Story: Coven
If “American Horror Story: Coven” had been in the standard drama category it would be lucky to receive any nominations beyond Jessica Lange’s yearly nod. FX was one of the first networks to play fast and loose with the Emmy categories and “American Horror Story” was placed in the TV miniseries category because the competition there wasn’t very fierce.
And yet FX’s John Landgraf had the fucking balls to criticize HBO for putting “True Detective” into the drama category. It was one of the most blatant examples of Hollywood hypocrisy in recent memory.
That’s why “American Horror Story: Coven” should go home empty handed this year. This program has been the beneficiary of FX’s category trickery for too long.
But don’t cry for FX. “Fargo” will probably clean house in the miniseries category. It would have probably been the only show that could have challenged "Breaking Bad" and "True Detective" if it was also in the main drama category.
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The Amazing Race
Personally, I don’t give a shit about reality shows. But the Emmys might as well start calling the Outstanding Reality Series category "The Amazing Race Awards." In the 11 years that this category has existed, “The Amazing Race” has won nine times.
It's not like there are a lot of quality reality shows to choose from, but still... That’s some pretty extreme laziness on the part of the Emmy voters.
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Claire Danes
Claire Danes has won twice in a row for her performance as Carrie Mathison on Showtime’s “Homeland.” The first season of “Homeland” was amazingly intense while the second season also had some great moments of drama.
But the third season?
Let’s just say that the “Homeland” creative team dropped the ball pretty badly. And even some solid work by Danes in the final episodes of the third season couldn’t make up for it. It wasn’t Danes’ finest hour nor was it a great example of what the show used to be.
It’s time for another actress to get her shot in this category.
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Jon Voight
Jon Voight is a legitimate screen legend. The problem is that Voight’s been coasting on that legend for a while. But even Jon Voight’s lesser performances are still pretty good and he’s one of the best things about "Ray Donovan."
However, Voight comes up short when stacked against his Outstanding Supporting Actor competitors Aaron Paul, Peter Dinklage, Mandy Patinkin, Jim Carter and Josh Charles.
He just simply doesn’t deserve to win this one.
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Modern Family
“Modern Family” has had a stranglehold on the Outstanding Comedy Award for the last three years. Series stars Ty Burrell, Julie Bowen and Eric Stonestreet have all taken home Emmy awards for their supporting characters. Stonestreet and Bowen have already won twice!
The show was innovative when it launched, but “Modern Family” felt a little stale this past season. Yes, it arguably deserved to be nominated again. But is “Modern Family” a better show than “Louie,” “Veep,” “Silicon Valley” or “Orange is the New Black?”
Not in my opinion.
Which doesn’t mean that “Modern Family” won’t dominate the awards again this year. Emmy voters rarely break their habits.
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The Daily Show with Jon Stewart/The Colbert Report
Speaking of strangleholds, “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report” have dominated the writing for a variety series category since 2001 with a combined 12 wins between both shows.
Considering that I like both programs, this wouldn’t be a problem... except this was the year that there were at least two shows more deserving: “Key & Peele” and “Inside Amy Schumer,” both on Comedy Central.
Even so, you can probably expect “Colbert” or “The Daily Show” to once again get the rubber stamp of victory from the Emmy voters.
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Jim Parsons
There’s no show on TV that I hate more than “The Big Bang Theory.” And a big reason for that is Jim Parsons’ performance as Sheldon Cooper.
Yet somehow this show is not only amazingly popular, it’s also landed Parsons three Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Awards in the last four years! It’s so God-damned infuriating to see this Faux-geek persona put out there as the best male comedic performance on TV. Because it really isn’t
The biggest miracle of “The Big Bang Theory” is that none of the other characters have bludgeoned Sheldon to death with his bloody roommate agreement. I’d come back to the show if that happened.
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Downton Abbey
I have nothing against “Downton Abbey,” a British period drama that routinely shows up in the Emmy nominations. But let’s face it, there’s no way that this show deserves a win over “Breaking Bad,” “True Detective,” “Game of Thrones,” “Mad Men” or “House of Cards.”
In all likelihood, “Downton Abbey” doesn’t have a chance in the Outstanding Drama category. But if it pulled off the biggest upset in years, then I’ll be throwing a few chairs.
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Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Julia Louis-Dreyfus was the hardest person to include on this list. Honestly, she probably does deserve to win her third Outstanding Actress in a Comedy Emmy Award in a row. She really is that good.
The problem is that Louis-Dreyfus has already won Emmys for “Seinfeld” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” Emmy voters can’t seem to get enough of her and that means that actresses like Amy Poehler and Taylor Schilling may not be able to break through in this category while Louis-Dreyfus is around.
If Louis-Dreyfus is just going to keep coming back to TV, the Emmy voters will keep nominating her until she’s Betty White’s age. What’s it going to take to knock Louis-Dreyfus out of the way? I suggest a completely made up prophecy that the world will end if she gets her Seventh Emmy.
But don’t look too shocked when she takes home the award yet again next week.
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Jeff Daniels
Is there a TV show more up its own ass than “The Newsroom?”
As a writer, Aaron Sorkin has a boatload of talent. However, he’s descended into unintentional self-parody with “The Newsroom” on HBO. His latest batch of characters are amazingly cliched and one dimensional. And Jeff Daniels’ Will McAvoy is the worst character on that show.
Regardless, Daniels took home the Emmy last year over superior performances by Bryan Cranston, Jon Hamm, Damian Lewis, Hugh Bonneville and Kevin Spacey. That’s unbelievable and it has to be considered one of the biggest Emmy upsets of all time.
This year, Lewis and Bonneville are out, while Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson are in the mix for “True Detective.” The smart money is on Cranston or McConaughey... but if Daniels somehow manages to pull off another win then I just don’t know how to respond to that.
For God’s sake Hollywood, Don’t give him the fucking Emmy!
