Photo: evgenyb (Getty) / murrman5 (Twitter)
If you’re reading this, odds are you’ve already been in the bathroom for over ten minutes hiding from your relatives and their hot takes on world issues backed solely on the logic of Facebook memes. So why not takes another five minutes and check out this collection of the funniest Thanksgiving tweets to distract you from the fact that you guys all come from the same gene pool? Happy Thanksgiving!
The 30 Funniest Thanksgiving Tweets Of All Time:
No matter who wins this election, I’m probably going to have to fight one of my uncles at Thanksgiving.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) October 20, 2016
Making it a goth Thanksgiving by stuffing the bird with the ashes of poems that my stepdad doesn’t understand
— Seasonal Rebrand™ (@LostCatDog) November 24, 2015
Auntie: “How them grades looking?”
Me: “Just like yo weave, not on track.” #ThanksgivingClapBack pic.twitter.com/imHjRFBALf— NeguΣ (@__r0derick) November 25, 2015
GAYS/LESBIANS: you get major bonus points if you come out of the closet during dinner and “ruin Thanksgiving.”
— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) November 26, 2015
in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody pic.twitter.com/qgwcyuWE77
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) November 25, 2015
*builds time machine*
*travels back to first Thanksgiving*
*slaps cranberries out of pilgrim’s hand*
You’re not making this a thing— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) November 27, 2014
*shows up at Thanksgiving dinner a half hour late holding Starbucks and a Big Mac* sorry traffic
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 26, 2015
The best thing about Thanksgiving is that all the people you hate are finally all together in one room
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) November 25, 2015
There are no racist relatives at our Thanksgiving dinner so instead we’re arguing about whether or not the Pilgrims had a lot of diarrhea.
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) November 27, 2015
Got a feeling in the pit of my stomach that Mark Wahlberg didn’t text the Funky Bunch for Thanksgiving yesterday and it’s just not right.
— Sal Vulcano (@SalVulcano) November 27, 2015
My thigh gap is looking fresh as hell pic.twitter.com/LyCH5Sw1aO
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 28, 2014
Can’t make it home on Thanksgiving? Simulate the experience by passive aggressively asking yourself about your career and why you’re single.
— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) November 26, 2015
One time on Thanksgiving my dad got so mad at me because I told everyone at dinner that I was having a horrible childhood
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 26, 2015
Happy Thanksgiving but please remember doorbuster sales start at 6pm so abandon your families and get line now
— Jack Douglass (@jacksfilms) November 26, 2015
Someone on Tinder wished me a happy thanksgiving before my family did, so welcome to 2015.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) November 26, 2015
Thanksgiving is the Kickstarter for love handles.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) November 26, 2015
Remember that time I passionately pushed everything off the dining room table and made love to you?
“Thanksgiving 1997, everyone remembers”— brent (@murrman5) March 22, 2014
If your Aunt hairstyle ain’t like this, the macaroni on Thanksgiving gonna be trash pic.twitter.com/Q5tNRNqDfQ
— Bdell (@Bdell1014) November 22, 2016
Sorry I was sad and withdrawn at your Thanksgiving party and also all the other days I’ve been alive
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) November 28, 2015
I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 6, 2015
Drake probably sent so many “Happy Thanksgiving” texts to exes today.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 27, 2015
Thanksgiving is by far the best Holiday we have that centers around breadcrumbs in a dead turkey’s asshole.
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 22, 2015
Weeks after thanksgiving, I’m still at the table saying what I’m thankful for. Voice so hoarse you can barely hear me say “assorted plants”
— vineyille (@vineyille) December 15, 2015
Thanksgiving prank: hide inside a turkey while it’s cooked, carved and eaten, then triumphantly rot inside its defleshed carcass forever
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) November 27, 2015
[walks into family Thanksgiving with two mistresses]
“I thought you told me to bring my favorite sides”
*gets a high-five from Uncle Duke*— brian essbe (@SortaBad) November 26, 2014
When your family thinks Thanksgiving dinner is over, but you head back for fourths. pic.twitter.com/VeyReQQzWe
— Greg Miller (@GameOverGreggy) November 26, 2015
Recipe for best post Thanksgiving breakfast: make a bowl of organic oatmeal. Next, throw oatmeal in garbage and eat two slices of pie
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) November 27, 2015
[family member does something slightly unusual at thanksgiving dinner] Haha my family is crazy. Unlike me, the guy who compulsively tweets
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) November 28, 2014
I’m not visiting my family this Thanksgiving, so I’m replicating the experience by reading YouTube comments instead.
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) November 25, 2015
Uncle: “You need to raise that GPA…”
Me: “You need to raise your kids” #ThanksgivingClapBack pic.twitter.com/gzMPvdcmA3
— DeMarko Gage 🙂 (@DeMarko_Gage) November 25, 2015
