RANKED! The Best Junk Food to Eat When You’re Drunk
After a night of hard drinking, nobody wants to eat a bowl of quinoa topped with hand-picked morels (put your hand down, Sting). We want junk food and we want it now. The greasier and more food-coma-inducing the better. While we know that (typically) whatever random item we find behind the mayonnaise jar in the fridge will do the job, today we want to aim a little higher with these delicious foods that can be procured quickly, cheaply, and at odd hours (when most respectable establishments would turn us away with judgemental arms crossed). Because you never know when you’re going to be drunk, hungry, and in dire need of some high-class junk food.
Cover Photo: jacoblund (Getty Images)
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1. Street Taco
Nothing satisfies the starving beast like tacos from the liquor store parking lot. For the price, the convenience, and the total junk food bliss, street tacos cannot be beat.
Photo: Washington Post (Getty Images)
2. Shake Shack Double Shack Burger
Shake Shack is winning tipsy hearts all over the country with their next-level fast-food. The portions are a little small for the price, so splurge for the double patty after a night at the bar and you'll be right as rain by Monday morning.
Photo: Shake Shack
3. Four Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers From Jack In The Box
Small but mighty, this 100 percent beef patty topped with hickory smoked bacon, American cheese, and generous squirts of mayo and ketchup will knock out the little hunger demon inside you like a champ. Plus, you'll thank yourself the next day for only spending $5 on shitty food.
Photo: Matthew Eisman (Getty Images)
4. Farmer Boys Sourdough Chicken Avocado Sandwich
This hidden gem in California and Las Vegas makes junk food look good. When you want something fresh, filling, tasty AF, and a little greasy, Farmer Boys has you covered with this amazing pile of ingredients slapped between two butter-toasted slices of sourdough bread. It's a West Coast staple that will make you smile (and prevent you from vomiting all over your friend's shoes).
Photo: Farmer Boys
An entire bag of Cool Ranch Doritos goes down way too easy when you're in the throes of an alcohol-induced famine. And if you've got the Game Night 3-for-1 deal, make it three bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that go down way too easy. You won't feel good in the morning, but at least your fingers will be coated with an irresistible seasoning. Did someone say breakfast?
6. In-N-Out Double Double (Animal Style)
Made to order using 100 percent fresh ingredients, and priced to sell, the double-double is a burger you can rely on through thick and thin. Dress it up by going Animal-style (mustard-grilled patties, extra Thousand Island dressing, pickles) or double your onion pleasure by requesting both fresh and grilled onions. It's open until 1:30 a.m. on party nights, so get there before last call and you'll be in and out of consciousness in no time.
7. McDonald's French Fries
There’s something magical about McDonald's potato-esque grease sticks that somehow both prevents and cures hangovers (depending on what time you reach them). And since McDonald's makes their golden arches visible from outer space, you can't miss the drive-thru no matter how much you can't see a goddamn thing right now.
8. Hot Wings
Don't think about how many chickens it took to make this basket of wings. Just focus on the finger-licking good taste and assortment of fatty dips that make even the celery worth eating. This is a tavern staple and the ultimate aperitif for your next pitcher of beer.
Photo: mphillips007 (Getty Images)
9. Five Guys Bacon Cheeseburger
If you're down to drop a little extra on your drunken culinary experience, head over to Five Guys for their insanely beefy, bacon cheeseburger. The ingredients are fresh, the portions are generous, and everything goes together like excitable yelling and a drunk dude.
Photo: Five Guys
10. A Dozen (Or So) Doughnuts
Perfection is leaving the bar on a headful of shots only to find yourself stumbling down the street toward a crunk-looking take-out window that just fried up their first batch of the morning. Suddenly, nothing else matters. We'll take 12 of each, please.
Photo: Science Photo Library (Getty Images)
11. Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich (With A Bonus Frosty)
They may have clung to the square-burger longer than anyone was prepared to deal with, but damn do they make a good spicy chicken sandwich. Do yourself a favor and add cheese and a bonus Frosty to your order to achieve maximum bloat and round out another classic night with the crew.
12. Steak 'n Shake Cheeseburger Combo
The fastest growing fast-food joint in the country (with over 550 locations and counting), this incredibly economical “steak” burger will save your life on those nights when you're teetering dangerously close to the edge of the blackout abyss at 3:30 in the morning somewhere on the outskirts of downtown Cleveland. And if you happen to fall asleep at the counter after you've eaten your food, the nice people at Steak 'n Shake won't even kick your ass out.
Photo: Steak 'n Shake
13. An Entire Pie
Nothing rings the drunken late-night bell like opening the fridge and discovering an entire pie inside. It doesn't matter what manner of fruit/nut/meat awaits just below the crusty surface, that baby is about to be forked up to the sweet sounds of late-night infomercials.
Photo: Jeff Kauck (Getty Images)
14. Taco Bell Double Chalupa Supreme
For a limited time only, live life with no regrets and order yourself a double chalupa supreme from E-grade meat-slinger Taco Bell. Hey, nobody's judging you at this hour. Plus, it will give you time to keep repeating, "I'm cool to drive, man," at the top of your lungs while your less drunk friend hides your keys and orders you an Uber. Ain't life delicious?
Photo: Taco Bell