Everyone knows United has had a number of botch jobs as of late, so they're probably at their to-hell-with-this point. If you think you're going to get laid on a plane and not get served, you'd be harshly mistaken.
You thought Steve Harvey was embarrassed saying the wrong name last year? Just imagine walking out of the bathroom after the stewardess -- sorry, flight attendant -- demands you return to your seat, the both of you. Thanks to Snapchat and every other app on everyone's phones, you'll be hotter than global warming VS. Trump.
It's hard enough to stay hydrated on a plane, as the body loses a generous percentage of its fluids as the aircraft ascends. That, and you avoid drinking water so you don't have to crawl over people to go to the bathroom. How the hell are you supposed to maintain an erection without your fluids? You got to have your fluids!
Those bathrooms are too small for one person to take a piss. So how the hell are two people supposed to stand and fornicate in one of these mid-air igloos? Especially since foot cramps are a common symptom of dehydration (and being old as hell). Let us not forget the turbulence that comes when the pilot decides to flip to auto-pilot and fly like an asshole. If two people can complete this task, we think they deserve the Nobel Prize.
People on red-eye flights can hardly handle other people with their phones on while they're trying to get some sleep amongst a few hundred strangers. How do you think they'll react to two horny kids thrusting their love engines against a paper-thin wall? You'd be lucky to not get Dave Chappelle'ed off the plane like he did in Con Air.
...are about as good as you getting all your luggage. Sadly, we live in a time where sex in public is likely prosecutable to the nine-hundredth degree, so if you think you're going to take your pants off, dirty someone in a public restroom amidst a plane-full of strangers and walk off without a hitch, you're sadly mistaken. Seriously though, the odds are better of that happening than you getting your luggage.
...it'll probably be more awkward than Nic Cage in Con Air, you know, that one time we were almost tricked into thinking he was good actor. That's our second Con Air reference, which is how we know it's time to quit.