When seeking definitions for millennial terminology, few websites are as effective as Urban Dictionary. However, since it is a website populated by immature millennials, people have published some ungodly definitions, most of which come in the form of lewd sexual acts. Because of course they do.
These acts are so disgusting that it’s hard to believe any person has attempted any of them. In fact, you’ll probably hope they haven’t because the stuff you’re about to see is pretty rough, if I may say so myself. Regardless, here they are, and remember, there is some NSFW language in here.
Weirdest Sex Positions From Urban Dictionary
1. Mexican Pancake
When a man shoots his load on a woman’s face, waits for it to dry as if it’s a skin treatment, then peels it off and feed it to her. No syrup necessary.
2. Space Dock Fondue
Reserved for “party situations,” a Space Dock Fondue occurs when a man who’s taken a laxative shits “watery diarrhea” into the woman’s vagina, transforming her into the fondue pot. When the pot is full, each man then dunks his “hard pole” into the pot so that it’s covered in poo. After this, each man’s partner is tasked to lick the poo off of the penis, as if it were a chocolate-covered banana.
3. Lion King
While having sex, pull out just prior to climax and bust into your own hand. Then, have your lady face you and use your thumb to smear some sperm on her forehead, declaring her “Simba.”
4. Alabama Hot Pocket
This is the “art” (a term used loosely, I presume) to describe the act of separating the vagina lips and taking a dump inside said vagina. Your excrement will then serve as lube.
5. Cleveland Hot Waffle
This is the elegant act of taking a shit on your partner’s chest, then smacking the soft stool with a tennis racket so your excrement now resembles the popular food item.
6. Cosby Sweater
Believe it or not, this act involves no drugs or issues of consent. Instead, it involves eating colorful cereals (Fruit Loops and Fruity Pebbles are recommended) and vomiting the “tacky and dazzling” mixture onto your partner’s chest. The end result should resemble the kitschy sweaters Cosby wore during the height of his fame.
7. The Minivan
Similar to the very popular “Shocker” maneuver, the minivan is a little more intense, and involves inserting two fingers into the vagina and a fist up the ass. This act is coined the minivan as the popular vehicle primarily used for families sits two in the front and five in the back. Clever.
When one dons “Hulk Hands” (a popular child’s toy issued to promote “The Avengers” film) and masturbates with them.
9. The Kentucky Klondike Bar
The act of freezing your poo then penetrating your partner with the frozen poo. As with most of these positions that include both feces and vaginal penetration, this can lead to infection.
10. The Angry Pirate
When a man is about to climax, he pulls out, shoots his wad into a woman’s eye, then kicks her in the shin so she looks and walks like a pirate.
11. The 300
When you’ve finished having sex, push your partner off the bed and shout “This. Is. Sparta!”
12. Tony Danza
When you are “giving it to a chick from behind” and inquire, “Who’s the boss?” she’ll presumably turn around in confusion. When this happens, participants are told to “donkey punch her in the face” and then answer, “Tony Danza!” Don’t try this at home, guys. Actually, don’t try this ever.
Ahh people who visit Urban Dictionary, you’re the worst of the internet. That’s a big accomplishment.