10 Types of Everyday Assholes You May Encounter in Los Angeles
“You just do you!” is dangerously awful advice when given to the wrong type of person. Here’s a collection of daily agitators and unnecessary assholes that one may have the anti-privilege of encountering in the transient melting pot known as the “City of Angels.”
1. The “I’m FREEZING!” Liar
You are not. It would be abundantly clear to you if this were true. It rarely gets cold in LA, and the only snow here will make your nose bleed and can be found in the women’s bathroom at the nearest nightclub.
2. Foodies Un-Anonymous
On a daily basis, we are equally surrounded by both food and by people who claim to be STARVING! Typically, this is the same person who was just FREEZING! And when they FINALLY! get their no-carb sustenance just 20 minutes later, they will probably describe it as AMAZING! while ingesting a maximum of four bites. Photograph, filter, upload, repeat.
Did you know that some vegans won’t even eat Animals Crackers because of the implication? Just kidding … FOR NOW!
3. REPEAT Offenders
Any person who makes you answer the same question twice, often in regards to their subjective tastes. It usually goes something like this:
Q: Do you like ‘The National’?
A: No, I haven’t listened to them.
Q2: You don’t listen to ‘The National’? ? (now with 2 question marks)
A2: See Answer 1.
In neighborhoods where you share ground commonly with such types, you may then experience someone from the next table over chime in, shocked that you (a complete stranger) doesn’t know who The National are. This is Q3. Maintain composure knowing that this loser’s only lunch date is most likely his own bicycle helmet.
4. Animal Lacktivists
“Must Love Dogs!” is adorably plastered over many a dating profile. The only logical reaction is “All dogs?!”
Let’s face it, some dogs suck and are often accompanied by an equally incompetent owner whose traits are reflected in their disobedient canine.
BONUS PRO TIP: Forgo sidewalks whenever possible and walk in the street to avoid stepping in dog shit left behind by the lazy. All hyperbole aside, I’d rather be hit by a car than scrape loose the crusted grooves of my soles for the next 40 minutes. Get the hose.
5. Car Tokers & Cell Boners
As an advocate for walking, I prefer it the old fashion way: eyes up, head on a swivel, embracing my surroundings. And sometimes on shrooms.
But more often than not in this urban sprawl, many have no choice but to grab their pocket vaporizer and get behind that wheel! If you look up from your phone for long enough, you’ll notice this happening in multitudes around you on any given freeway during bumper to bumper traffic. Crawling at such a soul-sucking pace, the native stoner chooses to just zone out and let the car drive them.
While on surface streets you may encounter the Walking Cell-Boner: any dud who crosses a busy intersection while glued to their phone screen. I can not imagine what notification needs to be addressed during this 20 feet of maneuvering that absolutely deserves one’s attention.
6. Name Correctors
EXCUSE YOU! It’s Kristine! Or Kristin! Or Kristie! Or Kristina! Or Krissy! Or Chrissy! Or Christine! Or Christian! Or Criss!
The remainder of our convo might be a bit awkward after you snapped at me immediately that your name is Cor-RAY! and NOT COREY.
7. The Funemployed
Any smug prick who chooses to upload a photo DURING THE WORK WEEK from the beach, or any poolside locale deemed vacation-worthy, with a caption akin to: “My office for the day.”
Everyone has good days and bad days; ups and downs. You may be #BLESSED today, but you’re not making life any brighter for the other unfortunate sacks in your feed who trudge into a thankless workplace day after frozen day. It must be hard to sniff your own farts through all that cool ocean breeze.
8. Conversationalist Brutalizers
There are many who choose to start a fresh statement with “Yeah …” without reference to any previous dialogue, often in an attempt to portray a self-satisfied, laissez-faire attitude of self-deprecation. For example:
Facebook Status: Yeah, it’s Friday night and I’m binge-watching Netflix eating ice cream with my ferrets, living the dream.
OR, they may begin telling a new story with “It’s funny because …” and then deliver something completely unfunny.
INCLUDING any online video personality that opens with the incredibly all-pandering “HEY GUYS!” For concrete evidence of these, please see any Proactiv ad on YouTube, but I’m sure you already have. Over. And over. And over again. SKIP!
9. The “I Was Bored So I …” Guy (or Gal)
Whenever actions require a thinly-veiled justification, this is merely a weak excuse. Please stop such activity. Recently, I was audience to this scene while passing the holding pen for background extras on a studio lot:
SCENE 23 – EXT. CULVER CITY STUDIOS – DAY
A Background Extra, smoking cigarette, says to another:
[Inhales] “It’s not like I’m addicted. BEAT. I’m just bored.” [Exhales]
And lastly, “actors.” All the shitty pretty ones. So many headshots, somehow even more fedoras.
Unless you are legitimately talented, but in that case, you’ll probably be taken from us too soon.
R.I.P. J. Candy & P.S. Hoffman