Sofia Vergara Can Save America

Most Americans believe that our interventionist policies of policing the world and nation building put an undue strain on our military by spreading it too thin, thereby threatening our national security. As President, I promise to make all women look like Sophia Vergara (specifically this, this, this, and this) who will then be taken to forced breeding camps. By 2018, the size and power of our armed forces will make people who hate us for our freedom tremble in fear at the prospect of attacking us. Or it will make them jack off. Either or. But don’t let the idea of a “forced breeding camps” make you question your patriotism. I plan to decorate them with Crate & Barrel and I’ll be sure to have plenty of aromatherapy candles. Chicks love that stuff!