The Best Celebrity Boob Jobs

Perhaps no surgery encapsulates the American spirit quite like the boob job. New boobs are the luscious manifestation of the Land of Second Chances. Or third, or fourth, if we’re talking about Pamela Anderson. And we are. Oh, we are. This list is a celebration of such a gloriously patriotic surgery, and of those wondrous science orbs that have completely redefined body image for the better. And while I wish I could pin an award on every last fake chest around, I can’t, because that would spoil the credibility of this thoroughly researched list. Though it was a big, bodacious task, I have scoured the annals of the Internet, felt dirtier than I have in a long while, spent far more time on US Weekly then any grown man should, and culled together for you the very best celebrity boob jobs.

Demi Moore
Demi’s is the first boob job that I figured out on my own, and it was like a lightbulb went off. In 1986’s “About Last Night,” she left quite the impression on this 12-year-old boy. Her small but mighty wonders were perfectly fine with me, indeed. And they seemed even finer when I saw them again in 1988’s “The Seventh Sign.” But they didn’t look fake then (were they?); they just looked pregnant (and fabulous). Demi’s boobs looked even better in 1993’s “Indecent Proposal,” but they still didn’t stand out to me as being fake. But when she ripped open her shirt and took to the pole in 1996’s “Striptease,” it was a revelation: the before and after crystallization of what fake boobs could do for a girl, and not just any girl, who had grown up before my very eyes.

Iggy Azalea

What a wonderful world we live in where we can drive a 24-year-old girl to think about getting new boobs her entire life. Well done, media! Yep, that’s what I-G-G-Y cited as one of the quality reasons she got a rack enhancement at such a young and impressionable age. The other reason? She couldn’t fill out her stage costumes and was tired of having to wear wired bras. Sounds like it could have been quite the impediment to the groove. If the queen of white girl rap needs fancy boobs to help her flow, then flow on, girl. Bust it.

Tara Reid

OK, hear me out here: Tara doesn’t have the best boob job because her boobs are the best. Her botched enlargement has sold ad space on far sleazier sites than this for years. But her breasts have received too much notoriety for all the wrong reasons. Yes, she jumped the gun and started fixing herself up way too early, and yes, the fixing amounted to wrecking. But she regretted it immediately and had to get them redone. But do you see Tara settling? Hell no, she’s still tweaking (and somehow, still acting). The real point is this: they’re still boobs! And no boobs should be made fun of. They should all be praised. So to all the naysayers out there, I say Tara Reid’s botched boobs are great!

Janet Jackson

Janet hasn’t fessed up to getting the old tanks filled, but do you really doubt it? Just look at those mounds of perfection above. God can only do so much. And it’s not like Jacksons are afraid of a little plastic surgery. The reason these boobs make this list is simple: exposure. Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII’s halftime show was perhaps the greatest commercial ever for fake boobs. It showed women around the world that if they shimmied their big, artificial cans fast and rhythmically enough, then perhaps one day they too could get groped and disrobed by the very man who brought sexy back.

Pamela Anderson

I can’t imagine most stuff on a site called GossipRocks is true, but they may very well have a point when they say that Pam is one of the big reasons why big fake boobs took off in America. She’s certainly one of my earliest, fondest fake memories. Pam took a good hard look at herself, saw room for improvement, and then went and changed herself for the good of the country. And because of Pam’s globes, the world has been a better, more beautiful place ever since. God bless Pam Anderson’s boobs, and God bless America (and Canada, where Pam was born).

Kate Hudson

Goldie Hawn’s very little girl may or may not have gotten a boob job. When you Google “celebrity fake boobs,” her name pops up often. And there are as many posts disputing the veracity of Kate’s chest as defending it, with talk of weight gain, pregnancy and awesome bras. If they are fake, they’re classy little numbers. And if they’re not? Well, they probably don’t belong on this list. But are you really mad that you just spent some good quality time trying to figure it out?

Denise Richards

The former Mrs. Sheen got her first boob job when she was just 19-years-old, and I don’t blame her. As a short guy, I know what it’s like to never hit that promised growth spurt. So why not just buy a growth spurt? Regardless of my support, Denise wasn’t happy with that first set. She didn’t let that keep her down, though; just in time for “Wild Things,” she switched ’em out for a better pair. Believe me, I’ve looked and looked at those champagne covered wild things and they seemed perfect to me. But Denise still wasn’t happy. So she kept trying. At 40, she finally got the very boobs she was dreaming of as a 19-year-old actress with totally unhealthy body image issues. Way to stick to your vision, Denise. Always see it through.

Heidi Montag

Look, I’m as sad as the next guy that Heidi returned the F-bombs she first had installed back on that fateful 10-plastic-surgery day. But “The Hills” star’s frame just wasn’t strong enough to support a full six pounds of unnatural weight; she was breaking beneath her boobs. A boob job is only as good as the girl who holds those boobs up, so Heidi got rid of her fun bags and seems to be having a lot more fun now. I think that’s is the moral of this story, and the reason her name merits inclusion here: you’re always just one more surgery away from happiness. Remember that, ladies.

Dolly Parton

Long before adolescence, my childhood self sensed that Dolly’s boobs were special. They looked like home; like a perfect, heavenly perch upon which God might rest his weary head. When she insured her 40DDs for $600,000, my suspicions were confirmed (and my interest in becoming an insurance salesman piqued). Dolly’s boobs remain fantastic, and a portal to her heart which pours forth with soothing country jams. Did you know Dolly Parton wrote “I Will Always Love You” as an ode to her boobs after her first breast augmentation?