Trolling #50: Twilight SUCKS! And RULES!

Twilight splash

Has it already been fifty? Welcome back to Trolling, my dearest of readers, and happy anniversary. For this landmark occasion, I feel like I need to do something special. No mere geek-baiting will do this week. This week, I need to pull out a few more stops.

Remember that vampire phenomenon from about 18 months ago? The one that had the world in a death-grip? The one wherein the vampires sparkled? Friends, colleagues, and fans have been asking me to troll Twilight for a while now, but I have come to the conclusion that one cannot really troll Twilight in the traditional sense, because Twilight is so dramatically divided – almost evenly – right down the middle. If I were to say that Twilight RULES, then I would have an army of passionate Twi-hards already on my side. If I were to say Twilight SUCKS, then the equally passionate army of Twilight haters would validate.

As such: here is how I can troll Twilight: It both RULES and SUCKS!

Let’s look back at this phenomenon, and pick it apart by argumentative extremes. Twilight – in both movie and book form – is hugely popular, beloved by young girls everywhere, and often held up as an idealized teenage romance fantasy finally realized and writ large. It’s also hugely infamous as being dull, irresponsible, rife with bad storytelling, and enormously fatuous. I can think of no other major film property to simultaneously enjoy such highs and welcome such open derision. And I can understand the derision, because Twilight SUCKS. But I can understand the passionate adoration, because Twilight RULES.

Let’s look at a few reasons as to why Twilight RULES. And also why it SUCKS.  

So, as you can see Twilight sucks. It also rules. It’s a great romance for young girls, and a bad lesson for them. It’s 100% accurate to a very particular – and very real – teenage romance fantasy… and way, way too indulgent of every last horrible antisocial facet of said romance fantasy. If you hate it, realize that there are parts of it that rule. If you love it, realize that a lot of it sucks.

Happy 50th, my fellow internet trolls. Until next week, let the hate mail flow.  


Witney Seibold is a commentator at Nerdist, a contributor to the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly Trolling articles here on Crave, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.