Witchcraft 13: Blood of the Chosen (dir. Mel House, 2008)
Because 2008 cheap looks far different than 1990 cheap. In 1990, films were badly acted, but shot on film and frequently over-lit and over-designed in an attempt to give the piece a professional veneer. Not so in the digital age. Cheap films now have a muted and natural look, thanks to the small, lightweight camera. In the past, a lack of budget was hidden by decoration. Now it’s hidden by underplaying. Which is better? You tell me.
Blood of the Chosen has no more of a pedigree or mark of quality than any of the previous films. It’s just as dumb, incomprehensible, and unsexually sexual as any random chapter. There is no mention of the time that has passed, or the adventures had in the interim. This is, however, the only film in the series to make direct reference to events of multiple previous films. The villainess mentions in the climax that Will Spanner’s real name is Stockton, and that he has had aliases in the past. Finally, some continuity!
The story is about yet another coven of foxy oft-topless witch babes who have been stalking and killing local warlocks by tearing their hearts right out of their chests. The special effects on the heart-ripping is so bad, it almost looks like men’s hearts are being removed out of their t-shirts. The witches have obnoxiously hip names like Skylar, Leandra, and Keely. The actress who plays Keely is Roxy Vandiver, another potential crush object of B-movie aficionados. The leader of the coven is played by Jennifer Lafleur in her only film role.
The evil witches eventually reveal that Lafleur is not merely the leader of the coven, but Will’s half sister! And their child is to be the Antichrist! What? Wasn’t Will already supposed to be a dark evil warlock mastermind who was trying to stay on the side of good and righteousness? Never mind. Previous twelve films be dipped. Will is now the father of the Antichrist.
There is a scene wherein one of the coven women spins fire, and holds a torch to her crotch. This is a line of dialogue: “If I wanted to make love to a glass of water, I’d have gone to my kitchen.” What does that mean?
Will kills Lafleur by ripping out her heart and eating it. This is the way the series ends. Not with a bang, but with a David Wain-looking guy eating a dripping rubber heart in the back of a warehouse somewhere.
