Mandatory Funniest Tweets This Week 2-8
Cover Photo: tostphoto (Getty Images). Cover Tweet: @KateQFunny
When a week dies, a collection of funniest tweets is born from it for your twisted Twitter-loving pleasure. If you missed last week’s tweets, we highly recommend you not skip your weekly dose of laughs, if nothing else for your health.
Enjoy this heaping pile of hilarity, then scurry off into your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Side effects may include: loss of bladder control, unemployment and unplanned crying.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
i love great british bake off, but the idea of someone baking something for you, and you eat it and say *anything* other thank “thank you” is preposterous. 🎂
— Pete Holmes (@peteholmes) February 7, 2019
Just wondering, what defines a person as needing the type of toilet Whitaker sold? Asking for a friend. https://t.co/jTuwQ2HGC0
— Judd Apatow (@JuddApatow) February 8, 2019
1) You are a malignant narcissist
2)the comments under your tweet are amazing https://t.co/cpI0EhZuRD
— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) February 7, 2019
Just vaccinated your son while you were at shithead class
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 8, 2019
Q: What does Mike Pence say when he orgasms?
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) February 8, 2019
This is a recent addition at work. It’s tricky, but it is possible to shit into that slot. pic.twitter.com/swEmIGbcx9
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) February 7, 2019
Someday I hope to be a big enough star that I can disappoint people by appearing in a Superbowl ad.
— Conan O'Brien (@ConanOBrien) February 4, 2019
Hey, did you see: Today’s Mandatory Funny Photos
Hi. I think my boyfriend is cheating, and I'm looking for a grief counselor.
– U mean a couples therapist?
Nahh. I'm definitely gonna kill him.
— Kate Quigley (@KateQFunny) February 7, 2019
Oh look, the rapey guy did the Handmaids-y thing. https://t.co/Gcve1SHecd
— Randi Mayem Singer (@rmayemsinger) February 8, 2019
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
— your new dad (@drankturpentine) January 27, 2019
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 7, 2019
this fucked me up more than it had any right to pic.twitter.com/wDR3AHMwWp
— Taylor .swf (@UnburntWitch) February 7, 2019
Welcome to your 40s. You cannot go out two nights in a row anymore and your face is suddenly a potato. Have fun!
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) February 7, 2019
omg they’ve been married like 5 minutes🙄 pic.twitter.com/LQzFHUtGEk
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) February 7, 2019
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: I'm not convinced
ME: Say it meaner
MU: YOUR MONEY NOW
ME: You weren't feeling that
MU: Sigh, you're right
ME: Maybe wave your gun around?
MU: *waves it around* This hurts my wrist
ME: Let's just forget it
MU: Yeah, sorry man
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) February 8, 2019