You'll do anything out of buying people gifts as a general position in life, not just Christmas. You'll be single during major holidays, go out of town on Valentine's Day and skip birthday parties if it means you never have to buy people gifts. Also, you're cheap as fuck.
If you don't know to buy your mom something for her kitchen, then you should skip it altogether.
And for those of you who think that's sexist, ask my mom how much she loves her kitchen, you sensitive pricks. She LOVES the kitchen supplies I buy for her and you cannot take that away from us.
It's not that you don't care, but more like you just haven't been paying enough attention to care. Maybe you're still wrapped up in your weirdly erotic fantasy football sex cult with your friends.
We could just file this under our first point that you're cheap as fuck, but that would be an inappropriate assumption in the workplace. But being jewish does mean you can just play the Hanukkah card.
You slipped yourself a Mickey one holiday party as an experiment only to find out that being the drunkest person at the party has its perks.
But now everyone has a camera on their phone, and you don't know how to not be drunk at the office holiday party. One time, you came disguised as Santa, but they were onto you pretty quickly when you used your classic move of urinating on Kathy's perky office ficus.
You were too high to remember most years so people just stand around asking "who's this one for...and from?" while you're busy being way too high in the corner staring at Kathy's ficus.
When you do remember to write your name on the gift, you forego it altogether as you're pretty convinced the government designed Christmas as a way to track you and the ones you love.
It started when you were five, telling Jimmy on the playground that Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real. You still do it at age 36 to your friends' kids. Notice the plural form. You're telling multiple kids on a nightly basis, even when it's not the holidays.
More like this is the face of kids who see you on Christmas. Maybe you should quit buying them gifts thinking you're going down as the "coolest uncle" in history. You're creeping everyone out with your misinterpreted kindness.
You sound like your father hanging up Christmas lights right after the middle strand goes out for some unexplained reason. There's a lot of drinking and swearing, but to be fair that's just the alcohol and the holidays talking.
Usually, you're a real stand up guy, and you know all the words to '90s alt-rock songs. Fuckin' holidays, man.
If people are a little iffy about inviting you to their holiday gatherings, chances are dressing up as a drunken version of the holiday figurehead isn't going to help.
Last year, you dressed as a leprechaun on St. Patty's and brought a caldron of urine to the party. That's not the pot of gold anybody had in mind, and now you're dressed as Santa and your dick is hanging out.