Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / tomsauced™ (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 7-14-17
somethin kinda neat i found out…if you ignore a problem for long enough, it either goes away or ruins your life. so 50/50. pretty good odds.
— bobby (@bobby) July 6, 2017
he helps cook? maybe? no pic.twitter.com/NuRICv0pxC
— Spike the Beetle (@SpikeTheBeetle) July 7, 2017
idk maybe weed really is a gateway drug pic.twitter.com/FftSj12xgw
— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 16, 2017
Shout out to the the social media intern at Church of England who just accidentally restarted a 500 year old sectarian conflict. pic.twitter.com/UlRRkpIS1r
— Charles Lawley (@CharlesLawley) July 7, 2017
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
— kelsey (@silence__kit) July 7, 2017
Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind her? Another great man.
Everybody here is great and guess what, it’s conga time baby
— Danny (@dundlewood) July 6, 2017
How girl take pics in bikinis pic.twitter.com/xhUVYvl5y0
— Joel schillinger (@joelschillinger) July 4, 2017
Thank you to Facebook for reminding me of the funniest news story of all time pic.twitter.com/TAXzi8243w
— Stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 7, 2017
If you go to any Sears, there is a 30% chance that it will go out of business while you are there.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 25, 2017
Ah, you’re awake! I found you unconscious in the woods and brought you to my hut. Let me make you something to eat. pic.twitter.com/2Yfv2WWuHD
— rubenferdinand (@urbanfriendden) April 11, 2016
I never know what to do with my hands when I’m driving.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) June 25, 2017
which filter should i use to tell my mom the big news pic.twitter.com/WvVB8YP8cG
— plug (@chrisplug) July 7, 2017
— brittany (@brittany_melone) July 4, 2017
he crashed his bike pic.twitter.com/0J5oVy8UZI
— dec (@catsu) July 1, 2017
[detective inspecting my body at the bottom of the grand canyon] looks like the victim was tweeting “more like the bland canyon” and fell in
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) July 7, 2017
I sent my husband grocery shopping earlier (with a list) and it stressed him out so bad pic.twitter.com/KkGLznR3IW
— OG (@Trillary_Banks) July 5, 2017
Me: I wonder why there’s a rifle hanging on the wall.
Russian Writer Anton Chekhov: pic.twitter.com/1leWTkAdpw
— Thomas The Reaper (@HavocMantis) July 2, 2017
public account vs private account pic.twitter.com/uqatxnlufL
— Bazookles (@Bazookles) May 8, 2016
[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one
— tomsauced™ (@trojansauce) July 5, 2017
Whoever thought of appetizers was literally like “we should pregame this food w more food” and I think that’s really beautiful
— Emily Battista (@embattista) December 6, 2016